How to Have More Sex

By Isabelle Uren / March 03, 2023

There comes a point in most relationships where you suddenly realise just how long it’s been since you last had sex and next thing you know, you find yourself googling how to have more sex.

First of all, our desire and appetite for sex fluctuates naturally and it’s totally normal for there to be dips in desire, especially in long term relationships.

There are many factors that influence our sexual desire, including our overall physical and mental health, the quality of our relationships, self-confidence, and how much we prioritise sex and pleasure.

However, your sex life doesn’t have to suffer, and there are plenty of ways to keep the spark alive and have sex more often!

So if you are wandering how to have more sex with your wife, husband, or partner, I’ve got some top tips you can try today! Here’s what I’ll cover:

How to have more (and better) sex

It’s always better to focus on quality over quantity when it comes to sex! After all, if you aren’t enjoying the sex, you aren’t going to want more of it! So one of the best ways to have more sex in your relationship is to rediscover what you enjoy about sex and what activities bring you the most pleasure and connection!

1. Address any issues in your relationship

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If you are feeling disconnected from your partner or there are tensions bubbling away under the surface, addressing these problems is absolutely the first step!

To be able to get in the mood, especially in long-term relationships, most people need to feel emotionally connected to and desired by their partner.

It’s highly unlikely that you’re going to want to rip each other’s clothes off when you feel like ripping each other’s heads off!

Taking a little time to work on any issues you’ve been having might be all you need to rediscover your desire for each other and ignite your sex life again!

2. Learn your partner’s turn-ons and turn-offs

We all have different turn ons and turn offs and figuring out they are is a great way to start having more sex!

The Dual Control Model of Arousal likens these to accelerators — things that increase desire and brakes – things that put a stop to desire.

Some people get turned on by sensual, slow touches, others prefer a little flirty or dirty talk.

First you need to figure out what your brakes and accelerators are and then share that information with your partner. Of course, these won’t always work in every context but knowing these will help you both be more confident and successful when it comes to initiating sex.

For more inspiration, check out my post on turn-ons for women!

3. Have more sex by having better sex

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When you have sex, make sure to put away all distractions, be fully present with your partner, and don’t just rush to the finish line.

Allow yourselves to really focus on pleasure and connection. Think about what you both want to feel from sex in that moment. Are you looking for deep emotional connection or to get a little playful or wild?

Spend more time on foreplay to make the sex better for both of you!

And when all the fun is done, don’t forget the aftercare. Snuggle, have a shower, and talk about you enjoyed the most. This will boost intimacy and help you feel more connected and help you want to do it more often!

4. Broaden your concept of sex and intimacy

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For many of us, sex follows the same script — minimal build up, a little foreplay, and then straight to penetrative sex. And there’s nothing inherently wrong with having sex this way, but it does miss out on a whole lot of pleasure and it can get pretty boring.

This is especially true for vulva owners, who often need more foreplay and clitoral stimulation than they are getting!

Instead of only focussing on penetrative sex, try to spend more time exploring other activities to discover what you both enjoy, such as oral sex, massage, mutual masturbation, anal sex, handjobs, fingering.

You could even take penetrative sex off the table for a while to help you break out of the routine.

Spend a night focussing on the intense pleasure and intimacy of oral sex. Learn how to give a blow job that will knock their socks off or a brush up on the best ways to eat pussy to leave them craving more!

5. Get comfortable talking about sex

Being able to talk openly about sex will transform your sex life in so many ways! We cannot read our partners minds when it comes to what they do or don’t enjoy in the bedroom.

We also have a tendency to fill in the gaps when we don’t have all the information and make assumptions that can lead to more disconnection.

It’s better to start gently when beginning to talk about sex. Talk about the things you do like to get used to having these conversations.

As you get more comfortable talking about sex, you can open up to the deeper conversations.

6. Play the long game with arousal

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Not many people get horny on command – most need time to become aroused! Foreplay shouldn’t only be reserved for the bedroom and should actually start long before you want to have sex!

By making more effort to be physically and emotionally intimate with your partner throughout the day, they are much more likely to be in the mood for sex and want to have sex more often!

These small things can help warm up your partner’s engine rather than starting out cold!

  • Passionate kisses
  • More cuddling and touching
  • Sensual strokes on the arm or leg
  • A kiss on the neck or behind the ear
  • Tell them how sexy they look when do something
  • Send them a sexy message to let them know you are thinking of them and what you want to do!

7. Have more sex by scheduling it

Before you roll your eyes and think that scheduling sex is the least sexy thing you could do, hear me out. One of the biggest reasons people aren’t having as much sex as they want is because they don’t make it priority in the busy lives.

Scheduling sex makes sure you make time to be intimate and it doesn’t get forgotten about and lost in the chaos of life! Here’s how to make scheduling sex sexy:

  • Choose a time and day where you have more time and are less likely to be stressed or tired
  • Fit it into other activities, like taking a shower together
  • Plan what sexual activities you want to try to make it exciting
  • Tease each other in the build up to get your arousal going

8. Explore new sensations with sex toys

The We-Vibe Chorus is my favorite couples vibrator for those that enjoy PIV sex! It stimulates both partners, and delivers powerful, hands-free clitoral stimulation!

Novelty can be very exciting and motivate us to have more sex! Sex toys are a fantastic way to introduce novelty into the bedroom as they provide sensations that humans cannot!

Shopping for sex toys in itself can be an exciting experience that get’s you both in the mood and more motivated to have sex.

Here are some great toys to try as a couple:

9. Consider how and when you initiate sex

A common problem in relationships, especially where one person has a higher desire for sex, is that one person ends up being responsible for initiating sex. This can lead to them feeling undesired and their partner feeling pestered!

Figuring out how you each like (and don’t like) your partner to come onto you is a really great way to have more sex!

It’s also important to think about when you try to initiate sex and consider if your partner is in the right headspace to be intimate at that point. If not, you might consider enjoying another form of physical intimacy like sharing a relaxing bath or cuddling instead.

10. Share your sexual fantasies

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Once you get comfortable talking more openly about sex, you can create a safe space for sharing your sexual fantasies, which can help you have more of the sex that really turns you on!

Start out with small fantasies and try to be open-minded and avoid judging each other. If it feels too intimidating, you can even write your fantasies down and share them that way.

Here are some posts full kinky inspiration:

11. Level up your skills and learn how to pleasure your partner

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We put a lot of effort into learning new skills throughout our lives but many of us overlook skills in the bedroom!

Learning new ways to pleasure your partner, will show them just how much you care about their experience. Plus, they are far more likely to want sex if they are going to be left feeling weak at the knees!

  • Learn how to give your partner intense pleasure and maybe even give them their first squirting orgasm with School of Squirts course Squirting Triggers 2.0
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12. Masturbate to have more sex

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If you don’t already make time for self-pleasure, now’s the time to start!

While it might sound counter-intuitive, enjoying self-pleasure and having regular orgasms can also increase your appetite for sex.

Not to mention, masturbation is a great way to reconnect with your sexual side, figure out your sexual desires and remind yourself just how good pleasure can feel!

Get yourself in the mood with some erotic audio or ethical porn, treat yourself to a new vibrator or fleshlight and enjoy some you time!

Discovering different ways to jerk off or getting new ways to use your vibrator can spark your interest in sex!

13. Take care of your physical and mental health

Any type of physical or mental health issue can impact your desire for sex.

As well as addressing any specific issues you are having, making sure to get enough sleep, trying to eat a healthy diet and moving your body regularly can also help boost your sexual desire.

If you notice your partner is stressed, try to offer them a bit more support or do more stress relieving activities together!

14. Date each other and enjoy new experiences together

One reason sex can decline in long-term relationships is that you get too used to each other and the relationship itself becomes boring. While you still love each other, you can end up with that dreaded feeling that you are more like roommates than lovers!

Novelty and sharing fun, new experiences is just as important outside the bedroom as it is inside! It allows you to explore new sides of each other and connect in new ways.

Plan regular dates where you spend quality time doing new activities together. Make a date bucket list together or even put ideas on pieces of paper into a jar so you can pick them out at random for more spontaneity!

15. Find ways to break out of your sexual routine

Get cosy and try the intimate lap dance position on your favorite arm chair.

As I mentioned before, novelty is a big turn on for many people. The excitement of trying something new can easily translate into sexual excitement and boost intimacy!

Something as simple as having sex outside of the bedroom can spice things up! What about a quickie in the kitchen or some slow sensual sex on the sofa?

Another easy way to add some novelty is by trying some new sex positions. Don’t be afraid to try — if it doesn’t work for you, you can always switch to another one!

16. Work on feeling confident and sexy

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It’s hard to get in the mood for sex and have enjoyable sex when you are feeling down on yourself or distracted worrying about how you look.

Working on building your confidence or helping your partner build theirs can work wonders for your sex life!

Treat yourself to some sexy underwear, have a sexy photoshoot, give each other compliments.

Most of all, remember that being sexy is a state of mind, and everyone deserves pleasure!

Bonus tools for having more sex

Here are a couple of practical tools you can use to have more sex in your relationship. These are a great way to plan what you want to do with your partner so you aren’t tempted to take the easy route and fall back into the same old habits.

Yes, no, maybe list

Each partner makes three lists — a yes list for all the things they want to try, a no list for things that they aren’t interested in, and a maybe lists for things they would consider trying under the right circumstances. You can then compare your lists to find the crossovers, giving you a whole of new things to try together!

A sexual bucket list

Making a sexual bucket list for things you want to try together this year can be a fun way to set yourselves a challenge and keep things fresh and exciting! Not sure what to put on yours? I wrote a whole post with a whopping 101 ideas for your sexual bucket list.