A Valentine’s Day blog for singles featuring the finest things with which to f*ck yourself.
It’s that time of year again when we are inundated with television commercials featuring sparkling jewelry and puke-worthy, bended knee proposals. And while that’s all good for some, the rest of us are rolling our eyes and muttering under our breaths, “Ugh, go f*ck yourself (insert jeweler, chocolate maker, flower delivery service).”
So, rather than your repetitive blog about the best Valentine’s Day gifts or sex toys, in honor of the singles and Valentine’s Day haters, I am writing this blog for you.
Go f*ck yourself.
But only with the most amazing, fuck-worthy products on the market.
People Spend How Much?
If you haven’t shelled out your hard-earned cash on Valentine’s Day in a while, you may be surprised at how much your coupled counterparts do spend. According to Balancing Everything, here’s a breakdown of 2020 Valentine’s Day spending:
Valentine’s Day Sales Statistics (Editor’s Choice)
Americans spent $27.4 billion on Valentine’s Day in 2020.
US consumers spent $5.8 billion on jewelry on February 14th.
The average amount spent on Valentine’s Day was $196.31 per person.
More than half of the spending or $101.21 went to gifts for spouses and partners.
The average amount men spend on Valentine’s is $291.15.
Women spend an average of $106.22 on Valentine’s Day.
32 million Brits spent £1.45 billion on Valentine’s Day gifts in 2020.
So, if you don’t have a significant other to spend that cash on, splurge on yourself! That way you are guaranteed a satisfying orgasm at the end of the night.
F*ck Yourself for High Tech Orgasms
What better time than Valentine’s Day to spoil yourself and invest in a high-quality sex toy? Let’s be honest, how much would you spend on a new outfit, flowers, candy, dinner, a card and all of the usual Valentine’s Day fare?
So rather than wasting the big bucks on what could likely end up as a quick lay and walk of shame, spend less and enjoy fulfilling orgasms for years.
For Vagina Owners
Back in the day, when I sold sex toys to people in their homes, the original Rabbit Pearl was as high tech as sex toys for women got. And I always thought it would be amazing to combine a g-spot stimulating vibrator with the knee-shaking orgasms of good, oral sex. Well, I only needed to wait about 25 years.
Treat your vagina to the Cloud 6 Air Touch 1. With sensually, silky silicone and 12 selections of g-spot vibration and clitoral sucking action, you can curl up with this luxury toy and orgasm till you can’t walk. Plus, it’s rechargeable and waterproof for those long, hot bubble baths.
Now, if they could just attach nipple stimulators, I would never leave the house.
For the Penis Owners
Lelo has always been one of the top companies for luxury sex toys, Now, they’ve taken things to new technological heights with the F1’s Red Developer’s Kit. Slide your penis into the sensual silicone sleeve and the F1 senses you and immediately starts stroking and massaging your dick with 10 areas of sonic stimulation and vibration.
This sleek masturbator allows for easy one-handed operation and is waterproof for shower sessions. Plus, it comes with an app that let’s you program your pleasure, kick back and hold on for big-o’s like you’ve never experienced.
Forget the saggy, squishy, porous masturbation sleeves and stick your dick in something high-tech and ahhh-mazing.
Silicone Fantasy Toys, Monsters and More
Whether you own a penis or a vagina, there is nothing more orgasm-worthy than a platinum silicone toy, painstakingly hand-crafted by a sex toy artisan. These small businesses offer the absolute best in dildos, peggers, plugs and strokers. Plus, some will create a silicone plaything to your specifications.
Want it sparkly? How about UV reactive or glow in the dark? Or how about a bumpy, knotted silicone monster bigger than any penis you’ve ever dated?
Yes, they have all that and then some.
Plus, you are supporting a small business.
So, splurge and go fuck yourself with one of these fantasy sex toys.
Uberrime creates a wide variety of body-safe, platinum silicone playthings for every sexual desire. From simple, yet stunning, harness-ready dildos and peggers to butt plugs, suction cup dildos and vibrator sleeves. But, their Bella Triple Density Dildos are like nothing your holes have ever experienced. From their website:
“Bella’s three layers include, from inside to out: (1) a dense, firm core that creates the structure for (2) a gooey, gummy, melty middle layer, covered by (3) a skin of soft but stable silicone outside.”
Choose from stunning colors and finishes for a unique and beautiful dildo that is truly your own; then treat your g-spot or p-spot to 8 inches of bliss over and over again.
Follow them on Twitter at @Uberrimedildos for new products, special and sales.
Chillow Fantasy Dildos
Support this small, midwestern, woman-owned business by shopping with Chillow Fantasy Dildos. This boutique artisan has a unique collection of silicone plugs and fantasy dildos that are affordable luxury and worthy of being displayed in your home. Her “Bigger Than Your Boyfriend” dildo is tempting as well as pretty. However, Knotzilla will have you screaming in absolute, silicone-monster pleasure.
This thick boy offers girths ranging from 5 to nearly 10 inches with a full 8.5 inches in length with ridges and knots to stretch, fill and thrill you. And if Knotzilla is a bit too much for you, no worries, Knotzilla Jr. is just as handsome and a bit smaller.
Keep up with Chillow by following her on Twitter at @ChillowFantasy.
When I came across Strange Bedfellas shop of silicone playthings, I was taken aback by the sheer volume of their collection. For example, they hand-craft thick, swirly, stunning dildos, from super-soft to firm, so you can customize the way your plaything feels. However, what made this dildo artisan stand out was their wand toppers.
Yes, decadently-silky, beautifully carved, exquisitely colored toppers that take your magic wand and turn it into the ultimate fantasy sex toy. With 3 styles to choose from, you will never look at your boring wand the same again.
Follow Strange Bedfellas on Twitter for new products and specials at @Strangebedfella
Wandering Bard Toys
The first time I had ever laid eyes on an artisan-created, monster dildo, it was one of Wandering Bard Toys Twitter videos…. a glove-clad hand twisted, squeezed and jiggled a beautifully colored, sparkling dildo and I was beyond fascinated. And with more than 1,000 5-star reviews on Etsy, you will fall in love with these gorgeous toys too.
The attention to detail on their fantasy sex toys is beyond belief and, with your choice of monsters, fantasy dildos, wearables for penis owners and UV reactive and glow-in-the-dark treasures, you are bound to find something to make your private parts happy.
Follow them on Twitter at @BardToys to be entranced by their product videos and never miss a new, magnificent plaything.
Hodge Podge Entourage
Okay, so I have featured this silicone artist before, but they never cease to amaze me. Yes, Hodge Podge Entourage creates beautiful fantasy dildos, delightfully textured tentacles and other sensual delights. However, they also hand-craft silky, squishy and textured fantasy penetratables…. in other words; fantasy strokers you can slip your penis into. And they are awesome.
You’ll never again be concerned about a roommate seeing your pocket pussy laying around because you will want to display these strokers. Choose from the smaller, more portable strokers or the full-sized handful of wow…. all of them are works of art.
Follow them on Twitter at @HodgePodgeEnt to see their new creations before they even hit their website. And as popular as their creations are, I suspect some never make it into the shop.
For my readers across the pond and fantasy toy lovers around the world, Phreak is a UK shop offering medical grade silicone, hand-poured fantasy sex toys you will want to wrap your legs around.
And some are big enough to do so.
But, from among their exciting selection of superb sex toys, I had to share their Valentine Edition Brutus with you. He is the perfect partner with which to go f*ck yourself this Valentine’s Day.
Customize your very own Brutus with 3 levels of softness to firmness, 5 sizes from XS to trophy-sized and, for a small fee, you can add glow-in-the-dark highlights and a suction cup base for hands-free thrills.
F*ck Them! Spoil Yourself
Rather than swiping right and hoping for a Valentine’s date or waiting for someone else to shower you with gifts, fuck them. It’s time to spoil yourself. After all, every magazine, holistic website and psychologist says practicing self-care is what we all should be doing. So, why not treat yourself for Valentine’s Day?
Wine and Dine Yourself
Before a great roll in the hay, it’s usually proper etiquette to be treated to a lovely meal. Therefore, before you go fuck yourself, fulfill your food desires with carry-out from your favorite restaurant…. and don’t forget the desert!
Personally, I would go with a delicious Italian pasta and salmon meal with loads of garlic, bread and wine. Follow that with rich, creamy and decadent cheesecake.
And you won’t have to worry about garlic breath, bloating or gas. Your sex toy never complains!
Relax and Unwind
Instead of sipping champagne and nibbling on chocolate dipped strawberries with a date, take a hard pass on the one-night-stand and take it to your own bathroom. Fill the tub with scented oils or bubble bath and soak while sipping your favorite bubbly or maybe even some chocolate wine – trust me, it’s incredible!
Or, treat your stressed, achy body to a massage. Depending on where you live, Groupon always has some fantastic deals to get any type of massage you desire for dirt cheap. And while you are looking for deals, order yourself a bouquet of your favorite flowers because, yes, there are fantastic coupons on those too.
Nothing is better than curling up with a good book. Nah, something is better! And that’s curling up with some steamy, panty-soaking erotica and a brand-new sex toy. Plus, you needn’t buy a book when some of the naughtiest stories are offered for free.
No porn site pop-ups or side bars of people f*cking themselves and each other; therefore, no worries! So here are some tips to procure some titillating bedtime stories on the cheap or at zero cost.
Start by following @Scorch_Erotica on Twitter so you never miss a sexy, new release. Then, check out their Hot Shots on Medium for free reads (5 read limit per month) or go to Amazon for e-books and Kindle Unlimited reads. I have to admit, I just finished a Hot Shots story and am in desperate need of a cool shower.
Happy Valentine’s Day
No matter if you are yearning for coupledom or are a happy-go-lucky single, Valentine’s Day can leave you feeling empty and alone. Sure, you can participate in the new “Galentine’s Day” trend or hang out with your favorite bros. But, at the end of the night, you’re still alone.
Which is totally okay as long as you are fulfilling your own needs. You don’t need to rely on anyone else to make you happy!
So, screw the card and flower companies making tons of money off of lovelorn couples, give your money to a dildo artesian, local restaurant or erotica author and enjoy a cozy night in fucking yourself.
No morning after regrets!
Happy Valentine’s Day!
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