The 4 Best Quiet Fuck Machines for Covert Climaxes
How we tested the best quiet fuck machines
Searching far and wide across the internet for reviews on quiet fuck machines, we found some of the most honest and truthful thoughts and feeling out there. And these thoughts and feelings aren’t from companies and manufacturers, no, they’re from real-life people that have tried and tested them. People down in the trenches getting dirty and loving it! They provided 100% honest reviews which were then combined with the knowledge of our sex toy expert to create a super-review with all the information you need in one handy place! One that balances the pros and the cons to create something that you can use to get a fantastic overview of 4 of the best quiet fuck machines out there!
Types of quiet fuck machine
Oh, so you want to see some of the different types of quiet fuck machines, do you? Cool, not a problem! We’re happy to give you a brief overview of three of our absolute favorites!
- Ride-on rocker – Sit down and get yourself comfortable on a dildo rocker! Simple and easy to use, it consists of two padded seats with a dildo in the middle. Move your body and rock backwards and forwards to mechanically move the dildo up and down. The more you rock, the faster and deeper it goes! Simple!
- Automatic – Automatic fuck machines are the power tools of the sex toy world! With a dildo attached to a powerful motor, it moved it backwards and forwards at various speeds and depths.
- Portable sex machine – everyone gets horny, even when they’re on the go! Luckily portable fuck machines are a thing! With a dildo attached to a small yet powerful motor, you can suction cup it to a surface and allow it to do its thing! They tend to come with a case too for easy and discreet storage and transport!
Things to consider
- Thrust distance – how far in and out the dildo will go is a big consideration! If you want something that will go deep you’ll need to check with the manufacturers what the specifications of the toy are. Most fuck machines tend to have variable and customizable speeds and thrust distances.
- Size – If you want to keep your quiet fuck machine discreet, or if you straight up don’t have much space to spare, you’re going to want to check on the fuck machine’s size. We’d recommend going for the portable fuck machine if you want to keep things small, though you can find ride-on rockers and automatic fuck machines that are fairly moderately sized.
- Volume – The whole point of a quiet fuck machine is to keep things quiet! But not all fuck machines are created equal. Some make no noise, others (for example ones with motors) can be fairly loud. Make sure you check the volume levels of the toys before you buy anything!
- Power type – How certain fuck machines work and how they are powered varies from sort to sort. Some are electronically powered, requiring being plugging into the mains power. Others are rechargeable or take batteries, while some only require the kinetic power and movement of the human body to work.
- App/remote control – With the automatic fuck machines you’re going to want to discover how you control it. Is it with a remote control or is it via an app? Both are handy in their own way, but apps can be updated and changed, meaning that your quiet fuck machine experience is continually growing and changing too.
- Dildo size and materials – The size of the dildo you choose is completely down to you, based on what you think you can and can’t handle. Always start small and work your way up, as starting large may cause some damage! As for material, we’d go for a silicone or TPE dildo due to their durability and amazing feel (although TPE is actually a porous material so will require a more thorough cleaning when you’re done).
- Interchangeable attachments – With your fuck machine you’re going to want to find out if the dildo attachment is interchangeable. Sometimes you want to try something a little different, and a fuck machine with an attachment that can’t be changed might not be for you.
FAQ
What is a quiet fuck machine?
A quiet fuck machine is a sex machine that offers powerful, automatic thrusting at low volume. Ideal for those that want discreet, powerful play, quiet fuck machines ensure you're the loudest noise in the room! Ideal for both men and women, a thrusting sex machine does the work for you, which means you can sit back and relax. Dildo fuck machines will thrust, vibrating, and rotate. These machines have been designed to simulate intercourse and penetrate at your desired speed.
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The 4 Best quiet fuck machines in Test
Hismith Premium Sex Machine, Love Machine With Dildo
This Hismith Premium Sex Machine is an ultra-quiet fuck machine with thrust power usually reserved for machines twice the price. The app-controlled machine connects to the bespoke app for tons of play options. Browse patterns made by the community, upload your own, or even send your Hismith link to someone else and let them control! If you don’t fancy the app, manual adjustment is easy and accessible.
This easy-to-assemble, quiet fuck machine from Hismith is great for beginners. If you’re more handsy than handy, you can think of the assembly difficulty as IKEA-level or less. The thrust power of this toy is phenomenal, and there are many ways to enjoy. Many users report that the machine is too light for heavy-duty toys, so you may want to consider other options if you plan to customize your machine with your own dildos.
Cloud 9 F-Slider Ride-On Sex Chair
The Cloud 9 F-Slider is an innovatively designed sex machine controlled by your own thrusts. This unique sex chair comes fully equipped with a silicone seven-inch dildo that you can easily swap it out for your favourite toy with the universal dildo adapter. The quiet fuck machine is a heavy, solidly built toy made of high-quality materials, and comes with a cover for discreet storage.
The Cloud 9 F-Slider Ride-On Sex Chair is a hefty investment at $949.99. In this case, however, price comes with quality. If you’re not a fan of realistic textures when it comes to dildos, you may want to switch out for your own, but this is a simple task that gives you tons of options for play. Plus, if it’s a quiet sex machine you’re after; this one is as quiet as you are thanks to the lack of electronic thrusting.
Fantasy For Her Rechargeable Remote Control Sex Machine
This portable thrusting machine from Fantasy For Her is a handheld alternative to bigger, harder to store machines that boasts impressive thrusting power for it’s size. The super-soft silicone dildo is gently curved for g-spot stimulation and ribbed for added pleasure. Plus, the toy has a warming function (up to 40F) to simulate a lifelike feel. If you’re looking for something handheld to use with a partner, look no further!
As it stands, there aren’t too many of these portable thrusting machines on the market. If you’re interested in a super quiet fuck machine, oddly enough, you may have to look for something bigger (or invest in some soundproofing). While it’s solidly built with safe materials, the Fantasy for Her Rechargeable Remote Control Sex Machine is somewhat of a letdown when it comes to the suction cup and variety of thrusting speeds.
APP Controlled Hismith Pro Traveler 2.0, Discreet Portable Sex Machine With Body-Safe KlicLok System Dildo
This portable, quiet fuck machine from Hismith is an updated version of the Pro Traveller that adds app connectivity to the mix. Great for long distance play! The machine comes with a six-inch silicone dildo that can be swapped out for any compatible toy/attachment using the Kliclock connector, so you can experiment with different lengths and sensations for mind-blowing orgasms no matter your play style.
The Hismith Pro Traveller 2.0 does everything it promises and more. The suction cup is strong and secure, the thrusting power is intense, and the angle of insertion is fully adjustable. If you fancy some alone time, the toy is easy to control with the included remote. This toy is also perfect for those couples in long-distance relationships, as it can be controlled from anywhere in the world with the app. And hey, if you lose the remote, you’ve always got your phone!
Still too loud?
Not satisfied with the sound of these quiet fuck machines? Got some especially nosy housemates, parents, or kids? Try these tools, or check out our round-up of adjustable toy mounts!
Our top fuck machine pick
Sometimes, the classics are the best.
How to use a quiet fuck machine
No matter how you play, remember: always, always, always use lube.
Solo
Solo play is what these machines do best, being designed to simulate traditional penetration. Use machines like this to treat yourself to a truly decadent solo session, no matter how you play!
Long-Distance
With an app-controlled machine, the long-distance possibilities are endless. Whether you’re quarantining in the same city and miss your partner, or oceans away, machines like this offer a simple solution to isolation blues.
G-Spot
Many sex machines are specifically designed to make g-spot stimulation easier, with ergonomic designs supporting more comfortable positions than standard penetration! Pair with a slightly curved dildo to make sure you hit just the right spot.
How to clean your quiet fuck machine
It is so important to clean your sex machine before and after use, to avoid bacteria infiltrating your vagina, anus, or mouth. To clean, you'll need: warm water, sex toy cleaner/antibacterial soap, and a clean, dry towel. As you'll have the most interaction with the attachments, make sure to follow this guide to ensure the safest play. If your dildo is made from a non-porous material (which is most common), it won't absorb bacteria easily, however you still need to thoroughly clean it to ensure you avoid any nasty bacteria entering your system! Non-porous materials include: silicone, borosilicate glass, Lucite, stainless steel etc. Porous materials include: jelly, PVC, vinyl, rubber etc. For porous materials, bacteria can build up over time in the pores of the toy, which means you should take extra care when cleaning, and ensure the toy is bone dry before storing. When your toys are clean and thoroughly dry, you should store them safely; find a place where you can store your toy(s) with plenty of room for others, and where they will be kept away from anything like dust or wetness—this will only cause bacteria to develop! As for the machine itself, you should be safe washing it down with a warm, damp towel, antibacterial spray, and drying it off to avoid staining and bacteria build up.
materials
Soft plastic, hard plastic, jelly, rubber, Cyberskin are all porous materials, meaning that small particles and bacteria can penetrate the surface. This makes it impossible to completely clean these types of materials.
Therefore, it is recommended that you use a condom with these types of toys, especially if you are sharing them. Clean these toys with mild soapy water and dry gently with a towel. These materials are more easily damaged, so be sure to be gentle and make sure your toys are completely dry before storing.
materials
Silicone, glass, stainless steel and some hard plastics can all be washed using a mild soap (like you would use on your body) and warm water. Just be careful if your toy contains electrical parts.
Silicone and stainless steel toys without any electrical parts can also be boiled for sterilisation.
components
If your toys contain electrical components, be extra careful when cleaning them and always check the instructions provided with the toy. You can use a gentle cloth and soap to wipe or sex toy cleaner or cleaning wipe to down your toy, making sure that no water comes into contact with the electrical parts.