Ruined Orgasm: The Basics, The Origin, The Practice
By Cassie Mørch / June 19, 2023
Oh, the orgasm – the magnificent accumulation of sexual pleasure that sends waves of pure ecstasy through our bodies. Now, what if I were to tell you that there’s an art to intentionally ruining it? Let’s be honest, if you’re here reading this post, there’s a good chance you’ve already heard of this. Perhaps you’re curious to know more about the what’s, why’s, and how’s of a ruined orgasm. Is it the same as edging? How can it feel good if you ruin it? Well, there’s a lot to unpack. Follow me along on this kinky journey as we learn more about the fine art of ruined orgasms.
Table of Contents
- What is a Ruined Orgasm?
- The Origin of Ruined Orgasms: BDSM & Power Play
- Ruined Orgasms VS Edging
- Methods of Engaging in Ruined Orgasms
- For Vulva-Owners
- For Penis Owners
- Tips for Exploring the Practice of Ruined Orgasms
- Researching the Concept Beforehand
- Talking to Your Partner About It
- Finding Helpful Tips and Tricks from the BDSM Community
- Conclusion
What is a Ruined Orgasm?
A ruined orgasm, while potentially puzzling at first, is a completely deliberate act within sexual play of a… kinkier nature. This term refers to the process where someone is brought close to the height of orgasm, only to have the stimulation dramatically reduced or entirely halted right at the peak moment! This can result in the orgasm still taking place but in a significantly less satisfying way.
While mainstream ideas of sex might have you believe that orgasms are the finish line of any sexual journey worth embarking on, the concept of ruined orgasms takes this preconception and turns it on its head.
In this practice, the orgasm is just a stepping stone in the broader scheme of sexual dynamics. Here, the interplay between pleasure and frustration, dominance and submission, takes center stage. This intentional experience of teasing someone with an anticlimax can add a torturous twist to kinky play.
To learn more about how a ruined orgasm actually works and why people take immense pleasure in this “lack of pleasure”, we have to dive into the origins of the practice: the world of BDSM…
The Origin of Ruined Orgasms: BDSM & Power Play
Ruined orgasms owe their lineage to the intriguing world of BDSM (Bondage, Discipline (Dominance, Submission), Sadism, Masochism). In BDSM practices, the emphasis is often placed on the power dynamics between partners, where one partner (the dominant or “Dom”) exercises control over the other (the submissive or “sub”).
Ruined orgasms basically serve as an embodiment of this power dynamic. By controlling the sub’s sexual release, the Dom heightens feelings of submission and powerlessness in the sub while simultaneously asserting their dominance.
But the pleasure isn’t one-sided. Many Doms find deep satisfaction in this control, and the sub can experience a thrilling sense of anticipation, sexual tension, and even heightened arousal from the repeated teasing and denial.
BDSM practices like this can often seem far from pleasurable for most “vanilla” people. I mean, why would ruining the full pleasure of an uninterrupted orgasm even feel good? As with most BDSM practices, a lot of the pleasure in these acts come from the physical and psychological power dynamics. In a healthy, consensual, and communicative BDSM relationship, it’s very possible that your power play alone fuels a lot of your overall pleasure. Having your partner bring you to orgasm, only to deny you the full pleasure of it (simply because they can), can sometimes be more arousing than the orgasm itself!
Ruined Orgasms VS Edging
So, ruined orgasm are about bringing someone close to orgasm and then cutting off stimulation? I know, it sounds familiar. The similarity between ruined orgasms and edging might strike you. Indeed, both practices involve orgasm control, but their outcomes differ significantly.
The goal of edging is often to amplify sexual pleasure by bringing oneself or one’s partner close to orgasm, only to reduce the stimulation and delay the climax. You the repeat the process of build-up and pause as many times as you want to the delay the orgasm for a significant amount of time. This dance of ‘almost there’ aims to eventually culminate in a powerful, explosive orgasm. Some experience that the more they delay climax, the more intense it will eventually be in the end.
Basically, edging is a technique that is always meant to end with a very powerful and pleasurable orgasm. The whole practice is performed to enhance the physical pleasure. It’s also much more common in mainstream sex. Edging is a great tool for masturbation as well as partnered sex.
The Basics of Edging
Now, ruined orgasms may share a similar build-up as with edging – teasing, pausing, delaying climax – this can also take place in the initial stages of a ruined orgasm. However, ruined orgasms take you to the brink of orgasm (perhaps even slightly over the edge) and then abruptly stop or significantly reduce stimulation during the climax. The result? A somewhat frustrating and less satisfying orgasm that never reaches its full potential, thus earning the label “ruined.”
Here, the goal is not to have everything culminate in a plesureable grand finale. The physical pleasure is not at center stage, but rather the psychological pleasure from engaging in that intense power play between you and your partner. Having your Dom control whether or not you get to enjoy your orgasm, or having them play around with your pleasure for… well, their own pleasure, can be quite climactic in itself.
Methods of Engaging in Ruined Orgasms
As most practices in the world of BDSM, ruined orgasms don’t discriminate (at least not non-consensually!). Whether you’re a vulva-owner or a penis owner, there’s a way to partake in this tantalizing game.
For Vulva-Owners
For vulva-owners, the path to a ruined orgasm usually begins with clitoral stimulation. Of course, any kind of stimulation that will bring someone towards an orgasm is useful here. Experiment with different erogenous zones and different methods of stimulation. Nipples, labia, g-spot, a-spot, perineum, anus, etc. Perhaps a good blend of a few different sensations will do the trick. Try out a mix and match of different methods, and play around with enhancing one method and reducing another.
Given the complexities of the female orgasm and the unique sensitivities of each individual, mastering the art of the “ruined” orgasm for vulva-owners can require some practice and a deep understanding of your partner’s arousal patterns.
To obtain this, it’s important to effectively communicate with your partner during this act. Try referring to a “pleasure scale” from 1-10. 1 signal low stimulation and arousal, whereas 10 would indicate pleasure levels circling dangerously close to orgasm. Use this scale to let your partner know where you are in your build-up towards climax. Then, they can decide what to continue or discontinue in terms of stimulation.
Now, it’s always a good idea to have a helping hand when it comes to bringing your partner to an orgasm (however unsatisfying you want it to be). Here are some of my top picks for vulva and vagina stimulation for this prupose.
The Doxy Die Cast is one of the best magic wand vibrators out there. This powerhouse of a vibrator is ideal for intense edging or bringing your partner to a deliciously ruined orgasm. These types of vibrators are a staple in most BDSM scenes for a reason! The intensity and the broad stimulation is… impressive.
The Fun Factory Tiger G5 is a powerful g-spot vibrator. If your sub responds very well to penetrative vaginal or anal stimulation, this one is a winner. You can combine it with another vibrator for simultaneous external and interal stimulation. You can also use the tip to stimulate your sub externally!
For Penis Owners
For penis owners, ruined orgasms generally involve the stimulation of the penis, scrotum, perineum, frenulum, anus, or nipples. Get to know your partner’s most favorite bits, and caress them teasingly until they’re on the edge of ejaculation. At that critical moment, you can dramatically decrease the stimulation or stop entirely to cause an incomplete or unsatisfying orgasm.
Whe it comes to ruining orgasms for penis owners, there really is an art to it. There can be, at least. Some people experiment with orgasm-free ejaculation. This entails stimulation up until the point of (some) ejaculation but stopped before the point of a satisfying orgasm. This is also a way to prolong someones arousal and erection during a session like this.
As with vulva-owners, understanding your partner’s arousal and responses, and accurately predicting their point of no return, is crucial. If you want to play around with ejaculation without full orgasm, this is especially important!
When it comes to mastering the art of ruined orgasms for penis owners, there are several types of sex toys that are useful. We have the classic penetration sex toys that aim to mimic the sensation of realistic penetration. Then there’s also toys like prostate massagers, butt plugs, or frenulum stimulators, that can do a great job at providing diverse stimulation. Of course, you can also combine several toys for some dual or triple stimulation!
The Fleshlight STU is a classic model from Fleshlight. Let’s just say, it’s popular for a reason. Tease and torture your partner with some lifelike stroking with this realistic masturbator.
The Lelo Hugo is a luxurious prostate massager. If your partner enjoys prostate stimulation and anal play, this little device is a great option! Use the remote control to tease them with the different vibrations modes.
Tips for Exploring the Practice of Ruined Orgasms
Researching the Concept Beforehand
Before you set out on your control play adventure with ruined orgasm, it’s important to do your homework. Learn about the concept itself beforehand (reading this blog post is a good place to start). Learn more about which stimulation techniques could work for you and your partner.
Make sure you and your partner are also fully aware of what ruined orgasms entail. Be sure you know why you want to try this out, and how you want to approach it.
Talking to Your Partner About It
It’s essential to have an open and honest conversation with your partner about your interest in exploring ruined orgasms. Again, I recommend sharing:
- Why this idea is intriguing to you
- What you expect to get out of it
- Your individual boundaries around the practice (methods of stimulation that are off limits, maximum number of ruined orgasms in one session, boundaries or requests surrounding physical restraints etc.)
- Safe words or safe gestures.
I definitely recommend sitting down to talk about all of the above before engaging in ruined orgasms during your playtime. This way, you’ll be sure that you are both on the same page about how to go about it all.
Finding Helpful Tips and Tricks from the BDSM Community
The BDSM community can offer a wealth of information and advice on the practice of ruined orgasms. Online forums, blogs, and social media groups are great providing helpful platforms to learn from others’ experiences and ask questions.
You can also use these forums to get some kinky inspiration for what to pamper or torture your sub with next!
Conclusio—… Nah, I Don’t Think So!
Ruined orgasms can seem a bit counterintuitive at first, but as we now know, they offer a unique twist on traditional sexual play.
They’re also a great way to deconstruct the sexual choreography as we know it! Instead of letting the orgasm get all the attention as the main goal for any sexual interaction worthwhile, the ruined orgasm let’s you enjoy everything but that fulfilling pleasure. Turning that thinking upside down can be a great way to experience pleasure in new ways!
So, ruined orgasms can be amazing for any kinksters who are into power play and intense control. Experiment with the intensity of your BDSM dynamics, enjoy your playful and teasing side, and enhance your intimacy as a couple by getting to know every nook and cranny of your partner’s pleasure scale. Of course, as with any sexual exploration, the key to staying safe and having fun is maintaining respect, consent, and communication.
