Xenocat Artifacts Vallguard — Test & Review

Aaron Losey
by Aaron LoseyUpdated:

Overall RatingBedbible Rating

Overall Rating


Bedbible Rating:


Reviewed by: 

Aaron Losey

User Ratings:


Based on user reviews


Rating: Xenocat Artifacts Vallguard was rated 80 out of 100, which means it is designed very well.

What it is: The design rating takes into account the shape of the toy in both a visual and ergonomic perspective. We ask our reviewers to rate the overall feeling of the Xenocat Artifacts Vallguard.

Ease of UseEase of Use

Rating: Xenocat Artifacts Vallguard was rated 80 out of 100, which means it is very easy to figure out and use.

What it is: The Ease of Use rating is a score given on how easy the toy is to operate and use. Aspects that are considered is the suitability for different kinds of people, intuitiveness, and potential learning curve of using the product for pleasure (or pain).


Rating: Xenocat Artifacts Vallguard was rated 100 out of 100, which means it is one of the absolute top quality toys.

What it is: The Quality rating is a score that takes into account the quality of the materials used in the toy, how well it was manufactured, the safety, durability and overall quality feel of the toy.


Price ratingPrice ratingPrice ratingPrice ratingPrice rating

Rating: Xenocat Artifacts Vallguard was rated 2 out of 5, which means it is moderately priced, neither expensive nor cheap.

What it is: The Price rating is indicated by 1-5 price icons. 1 indicate a very cheap product, while 5 indicate a very expensive product. The rating is a relative score compared to other similar toys.


Beginner: Suited for those new to the world of sex toys. These products are designed with simplicity and ease of use in mind, providing a gentle introduction to enhance your experiences. Whether you're exploring for the first time or looking for something straightforward, these items are a perfect starting point.


Intermediate: Tailored for individuals who have some familiarity with sex toys and are looking to explore further. These products offer a balance between comfort and new sensations, allowing you to expand your horizons and discover new pleasures. Ideal for those ready to take the next step in their journey.


Advanced: Designed for the experienced and adventurous. These products cater to those who are well-acquainted with sex toys and are seeking more intense or diverse sensations. If you're looking to push boundaries and explore the depths of pleasure, these items are crafted just for you.

My Verdict

If you are the kind of person that would consider getting this toy, you should get it. I was so surprised by just how much I enjoy this toy, and I'm very thankful I gave in to this little indulgence purchase. The design is top-notch, the material is great, it's a distinctly novel experience, and it's priced competitively.

Buy, if you...

  1. like tentacles
  2. like feeling unique textures
  3. want a toy with a steep increase in intensity as you take more of it
  4. prefer toys that are easy to maintain

Don't buy, if you...

  1. have any sort of mobility issues without a partner to help you
  2. don't feel the need for monster-based toys
  3. are not used to wider insertions! Because of the way it's designed, it could be painful if you underestimate the toy before you reach the "ports"! This is not intended to be your first dildo!

About The Xenocat Artifacts Vallguard

Vallguard is a delightful tentacle that curves up from the base of the toy. It has two immediately noticeable key features: the groove and the barnacles. In the middle of the tentacle is a deep groove running the length of the toy. On either side are three barnacle-like protrusions (The manufacturer, Xenocat, calls them "ports") with the function of being a "knot" for the tentacle dildo. The whole toy has a slightly ribbed or segmented texture to it. The design is novel, still cohesive, and tantalizingly eldritch-looking. There is that sense that this is the protrusion of some creature no mortal can understand.


  • visually stunning
  • quality material
  • fun texture
  • ports act as a "knot"
  • is a tentacle


  • could be risky for beginners
  • "groove" doesn't do much for butts
  • constant whispers of a city beneath the waves where a dead god dreams might disturb others you live with
  • could be out of budget
  • limited availability

Reflections on the Xenocat Artifacts Vallguard

My Personal Experiences with Xenocat Artifacts Vallguard

I was skeptical at first. I bought Vallguard along with another product from Xenocat as an afterthought. I wasn’t sure if the experience would be all that distinct from the first, even bigger tentacle-shaped sex toy that I already had. Did I really need another? Yes, yes I did.

The Ports

This is the best feature of the toy, and what makes it really stand out from the handful of tentacle themed toys one might be able to find. The sensation is very unique, and I find that the ratio of the width of the knot compared to the taper of the rest of the toy is perfect for driving that moment of anticipation. It doesn’t quite function like a buttplug- the toy doesn’t stay in by itself, but it’s close. I think anyone considering this toy should understand how much of a difference these make.

Other Pros

The segmented texture works really well. Xenocat Artifacts has a really good mix for their silicone, and it’s very easy to maintain. As with tentacles in general, the tapered tip makes it easy to insert, and gives you a degree of control over how much width you can take.

My Cons

The groove running up the tentacle was a little disappointing. At least for my uses, the groove doesn’t add much. It looks nice, but it’s not something I was able to feel back there at all. I also think the toy could stand to be a bit longer, but it might be the right length for some. I was already used to a longer toy when I got it, but it’s not particularly that short itself.

Does it still stack up?

A lot of the value of this toy rides on the novelty and uniqueness of it, so I’m very glad to report that even after a year, the toy hasn’t grown old. I may not use it as often as I used to, but I’ve found that it works great when starting a session with multiple toys. It’s very easy right up until the section with the ports, which you can use to make the jump to bigger things any moment you feel ready. This makes it a great facilitator for more daunting toys.

The Xenocat Artifacts Vallguard: Behind the Design

Xenocat Artifacts Vallguard The Xenocat Artifacts Vallguard: Behind the Design

The design should work for most tentacle-lovers. It looks alien or lovecraftian, and really pulls my monster-craving heart. Despite some of the minor flaws I mentioned above, it's still a small visual masterpiece. The toy is way more intricately detailed than it needed to be for the purely physical aspects of its function, but it goes a long way to get any monster-lover in the mood beforehand.

User-Friendliness: A Deep Dive into the Xenocat Artifacts Vallguard

Xenocat Artifacts Vallguard User-Friendliness: A Deep Dive into the Xenocat Artifacts Vallguard

It's very simple and easy to use. The rough texture does add a little grip, as well as the base of the toy being a great size to hold in your hand. The only thing that might difficult is dealing with the ports feature if you don't have a lot of experience. It does require more force as the toy gets wider, so I highly recommend against this being someone's first toy. You should have an idea of how to use dildos without hurting yourself beforehand. As long as you already have an idea of what your body can take, there should be no issue.

The Xenocat Artifacts Vallguard: Quality assessment

Xenocat Artifacts Vallguard The Xenocat Artifacts Vallguard: Quality assessment

For as long as I've used and loved this product, it shows no signs of degradation or wear. There is no odor, no discoloration, and no loss of integrity. It feels high-quality. Any way you bend or squish it, it springs right back into shape. From what I've experience from their manufacturer, Xenocat Artifacts, this is a brand I've come to trust.

Price and Value: Analyzing the Xenocat Artifacts Vallguard

Xenocat Artifacts Vallguard Price and Value: Analyzing the Xenocat Artifacts Vallguard

If any readers are unfamiliar with niche fantasy toys, it's probably surprising to see a 75$ price tag on a dildo, but this kind of price point is standard, even cheap for the quality presented. For me, paying a higher price for toys that cater to my specific fetishes is easily worth it, but whether or not it will be for you depends on how important it is for you. I wish I could recommend that everyone who hears the call should violate their hole(s) with the highest quality monstrous appendages, but it is a luxury. Do note that 75$ is for their medium size. They do have a larger size for 85$, and a smaller size for 65$. Most of the time this toy is available, it's for the medium size, and this is the size I used for this review.

My take on the Performance

Xenocat Artifacts Vallguard My take on the Performance

The performance is great. If you want the feeling of a tentacle, Vallguard delivers. The ports feature hyped up on the store's page work better than expected. It does claim you can use the groove to "carry lube". I assume you're meant to pour lube down the groove during use. I found it madly impractical to try to use it this way, but it might work a lot better for different body parts. I'm hesitant to pass judgement on this particular feature based on just my experience.

Analyzing the Packaging: First Impressions

Xenocat Artifacts Vallguard Analyzing the Packaging: First Impressions

The packaging is fine. There's nothing too remarkable, either bad or good, about the packaging. When I ordered from Xenocat, they did also send me instructions for care, as well as two material samples stamped with their logo, which is appreciated. There wasn't any point in keeping the packaging itself, but everything arrived sealed.

Exploring the Materials and Care

Xenocat Artifacts Vallguard Exploring the Materials and Care

Xenocat toys are made from body-safe, non-porous silicone. On their site, they recommend boiling, toy cleaner, or even using the dishwasher as cleaning methods. It's a little buried in the "toy cleaner" section but they do say you can use regular soap, and in my opinion, this is the easiest way to maintain silicone toys. Make sure you use liquid soap without any beads or added scents, lather it on to the toy, and rinse thoroughly under hot water until you can't feel any soap residue. I recommend doing this before and after use. As with any silicone toy, make sure to use water-based lube.

Specifications and features

Length7, 7.5, or 8.25 inches
Insertable length5.5, 6, or 6,5 inches
Diameter2, 2.2, or 2.4 inches
Storage Bag IncludedNo 
Colors Availabledepends on availability 

Comparing Xenocat Artifacts Vallguard with alternatives

Compare Xenocat Artifacts VallguardXenocat Artifacts Vallguard
Overall scoreNaN / 5.0 NaN / 5.0 4.8 / 5.0 4.5 / 5.0 4.4 / 5.0 NaN / 5.0
Bedbible rating4.3 / 5.0 4.0 / 5.0 4.8 / 5.0 5.0 / 5.0 4.1 / 5.0 4.9 / 5.0
User ratingNaN / 5.0
from 0 users
NaN / 5.0
from 0 users
4.9 / 5.0
from 26 users
4 / 5.0
from 2 users
4.7 / 5.0
from 35.6 users
NaN / 5.0
from 0 users
PriceAffordable Moderate Premium Moderate Affordable Moderate
Design80 / 100 80 / 100 90 / 100 97 / 100 75 / 100 100 / 100
Ease of use80 / 100 85 / 100 85 / 100 100 / 100 95 / 100 90 / 100
Quality100 / 100 95 / 100 100 / 100 98 / 100 80 / 100 100 / 100
Length7, 7.5, or 8.25 inches8 inches11 inches7.5 inches6.8 inches9.13 inches
Insertable length5.5, 6, or 6,5 inches5.5 inches9.5 inches-5.3 inches7.44 inches
Diameter2, 2.2, or 2.4 inches1.75 inchesSmall end: 1.75 inches1.5 inches-1.44-2.13 inches
MaterialsSilicone Platinum-Cured Silicone 360 grade stainless steel Glass Silicone Platinum-cured silicone
FlexibilityHigh null --Very flexible Firm
WaterproofYes Yes Submersible Submersible Yes Yes
Storage Bag IncludedNo Yes Yes No No No
Colors Availabledepends on availability Vanilla, Caramel, Cosmic Blue --Vanilla; Chocolate; Dark Chocolate; Blue; Purple; Pink Natural Purple, Signature White, Motorbunny Pink
Texture-IncrediFeel Silicone with Realistic Texture -Stimulation bumps --
Weight--2.75 lbs---
Width----1.5 inches-
Show More


How do I know which lube is safe to use with this toy?
Look for "Water-based" somewhere on the packaging or label. Water-based lubes should be easy to find and cheap. K-Y is water-based, as is the generic CVS brand lube.
Are silicon-based toys safe?
Yes! Most silicone toys, especially ones of good quality, are non-porous and body-safe. They do not harbor bacteria as long as they are washed appropriately, and they are not toxic.
Where can I buy Vallguard?
You can see all they toys that Xenocat has available on their site. It might be tricky if there's a specific toy you want, as they only make a specific number of toys at a time. They release a new selection for sale every Saturday, and they can be followed on twitter.
Can this be used with a harness as a strap-on?
Yes! The base is flat and would easily fit into a compatible O-ring. Do note that the soft and flexible tip needs guidance for anal insertion though, so don't expect to be able to just hook it up and immediately penetrate.

Instructions - Manual

There is no manual, and one shouldn’t be needed. You can find the official care section for Xenocat Artifacts here: https://xenocat-artifacts.com/careinfo

Aaron Losey
Aaron Losey

I am a web developer living in San Antonio. I love to promote freedom, positivity, and exploration when it comes to sex toys. I also enjoy good cheeses, rock music, and writing by candle-light in the bathtub. I have a strong teratophilia (likes monsters) kink, but am open to all sorts of experiences.

Age: 28
Gender: Male
Sexual orientation: Bisexual
Sex toy experience: Intermediate
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