Welcome to the most unpopular sex toy blog post ever written: “The Magic Wand: 5 Reasons Why I Dislike This Dangerous, Overrated Sex Toy.” I’m sure I will be inundated with hate mail, ugly comments and pummeled with rotten produce. But that’s okay!
Just save the moldy tomatoes till the end.
You see, I know we all have different bodies with varying needs. And what gets one person off, won’t necessarily feel good to the next. However, this involves more than just my personal taste in sex toys and how much power (or lack thereof) it takes to bring me to climax. It involves the dangerous nature and risks that come with using the Magic Wand.
Yes, I said dangerous; as in risk of death, serious injury, electrical shock and fire. Seriously, have you read the pamphlet that’s included with the Magic Wand? If not and you happen to own one of these massagers, I highly suggest you read it.
But if you have tossed it out, as most people do, please read on to learn why they are hazardous as well as the 5 reasons I dislike this dangerous sex toy.
About The Magic Wand Rechargeable
The Magic Wand has been around since 1968 and is often referred to as the little black dress of sex toys. But this OG of orgasms didn’t start out as a sex toy – it was intended for use as a body massager.
That is, until a bored housewife dropped it into her lap and got the thrill of her lifetime. Since then, folks have been buying the Magic Wand specifically for sexual pleasure.
The model I reviewed, the Magic Wand Rechargeable, is super-charged, boasting a motor that operates at speeds topping 6,300 RPM. That’s the equivalent of a small sports car engine, A Roller Camshaft for a Chevy small block or a 1/2″ drive, 6,300 RPM, 520 ft/lb torque impact wrench with pistol grip handle.
This isn’t a toy, it’s a power tool!
In addition, the Magic Wand Rechargeable has the following features:
- Measures 12.5” in length and 7.5” circumference at the thickest point
- Features a high-quality, body-safe, silicone head
- Runs by plugging into a standard 120 v outlet or cordlessly by rechargeable battery
- Has 4 levels of speed and 4 choices of vibrational patterns
- The handle is made of durable, thick plastic
- The head is attached with a flexible area that disperses force and vibration
Sounds pretty amazing, right?
I thought so too! That’s why I was thrilled to have the opportunity to test the product. But my excitement turned to disappointment the second I pulled this behemoth out of the box, plugged it in and nearly dislodged my teeth, spine and internal organs.
Then I read the pamphlet.
And that, dear readers, frightened the sh*t out of me.
5 Reasons I Dislike the Overrated Magic Wand
Aside from the fact that the Magic Wand Rechargeable is built like a brick sh*t house and features a soft, lovely, silicone head, there are many reasons I dislike the product and believe it’s overrated, overpriced and undeserving of the fanfare it has.
Still holding on to those rotten tomatoes? Good! Here goes….
1. The Magic Wand Is Like Riding a Jackhammer Naked
With this baby operating at an all-out 6,300 RPM, it’s like wrapping your legs around a jackhammer. Only most jackhammers vary between 400 and 4,000 RPMs.
The Magic Wand is for external use only, meaning, it’s to be used for clitoral, penile or perineum stimulation. The problem I found was that the head was far too wide for targeted clitoral stimulation so it covers the entire vaginal and anal landscape…and then some.
I tried the tool through my clothing the first time, thank goodness. Because, as I worked my way through the various speeds and patterns, my teeth chattered, my bones rattled, my organs felt as if they were being dislodged and it left bruises on the insides of my thighs.
It was about as arousing as being repeatedly punched in my naughty bits by an MMA fighter.
In addition, the Magic Wand is a bit noisy, much like a jackhammer. It sounded as if I were in here remodeling my bedroom, starting with jackhammering up my subfloor. So, if having a quiet sex toy is a must in your household, avoid this one like the plague.
Or, purchase noise-cancelling headphones for your roommates, kids, pets and possibly your neighbors.
The Magic Wand Rechargeable is strong, noisy, heavy and difficult to maneuver. My arms went numb while using it and my carpal tunnel was screaming for me to stop in mere minutes.
But hey, there are people who need a great deal of vibration and stimulation in order to achieve orgasm and if that’s the case for you, then this powerful, monstrosity is your dream sex toy!
However, in my opinion, my body loves whisper-soft, targeted stimulation and a quiet motor – as not to wake my dog and find her wide-eyed, head cocked to the side when I’m post big-o. So, the Magic Wand, for me, is no bueno!
2. Warnings, Dangers and Cautions, Oh My!
After I put the Magic Wand aside in disappointment, I grabbed the pamphlet, opened it up and my mouth dropped. The first page included the table of contents, along with these frightening doozies:
DANGER: Indicates a hazardous situation which, if not avoided, will result in death or serious injury. There are 10 of these dangers listed including not getting the Magic Wand wet, not inserting it into any bodily orifice and not to use it on any wet body part. Just remember, these things, according to the manufacturer WILL result in death or serious injury.
WARNING: Indicates a hazardous situation which, if not avoided, could result in death and serious injury. There are 45 warnings listed, one of which includes a bullet list of 13 conditions, ailments, illnesses and people who should not use the product. I qualified for several of them. Thank goodness I lived through my testing of the Magic Wand!
CAUTION: Indicates a hazardous situation which, if not avoided, could result in minor or moderate injury. There are a total of 13 cautions mentioned in the booklet. But hey, according to the manufacturer, doing one of these things won’t kill you.
See, I am the type of person that reads instructions, no matter what the product is. But when I started reading this booklet, I was so taken aback, that I had to go and read the warnings – all 4 pages full of them – to my daughter and her boyfriend. And some of these warnings make no sense whatsoever, considering this is supposed to be a sex toy! More on that next.
But, here’s the thing, the manufacturer has printed these Dangers, Warnings and Cautions for a reason. First, these things have been laid out specifically to instruct you on how not to use the product which, ironically, includes not using it as a sex toy.
Most importantly, they have these things written out to save their rears from multi-million-dollar lawsuits. Their hope is that everyone continues buying the Magic Wand without reading the dangers, warnings and cautions.
But just in case you use their product in the rain and get the shock of your life, they can say, “Sorry that your vagina exploded, our condolences. However, we explicitly told you not to use our product in the rain.”
3. Your Genitals May – or May Not – Explode, Catch Fire or Get Shocked
You would think that since the Magic Wand is sold and marketed as a sex toy, you could use it safely as such, right? Wrong!
Take these dangers, for example, taken directly from the Magic Wand booklet. Remember these will result in death or serious injury if not avoided:
- Be extremely careful never to expose the product to any liquid, including body fluids, water, lubricants or cleaners. Serious injury may occur if fluid enters the product. This product is NOT waterproof.
Okay, so if you’re a squirter, do not use this as a sex toy. You could be electrocuted or the battery inside could explode, causing burns. Additionally, you’re not supposed to use lubricant nor are you supposed to use water or any other fluids to wash the Magic Wand.
So, how the heck do you wash your sex toy?
Here’s another fun danger listed in the booklet:
- For external use only. Do not insert into any body cavity.
Well, it’s obvious that this was meant to be an outie toy and not an innie. But I’ve been there…. In the heat of the moment, you may want to place the head inside you. However, this was on the danger list, meaning, it will result in death or serious bodily injury. Scary, huh?!
- Do not use on any wet body part; do not use in the rain.
Are you laughing? I laughed a good ten minutes over this danger warning. Use on a dry vagina, got it. And by the way, don’t stroll out into the yard during a thunderstorm while masturbating with your Magic Wand. Apparently, it’s not safe.
- Do not sit on this product. Do not lie on this product. Do not place a heavy item on top of this product.
No cowboy or cowgirl fun. But to be honest, if I laid on the Magic Wand it would vibrate me off the bed.
4. Are You Healthy Enough to Use the Magic Wand? I’m Not!
Let’s now move on to the warning section. Remember, this means that the listed activities or uses could result in death and serious injury. Whew, could is better than will! So now, it’s a game of chance. Fire that baby up and let’s play Russian Roulette with our Magic Wand!
The entire section began with who should not use their product. And I didn’t need to masturbate in the rain with my Magic Wand to be shocked!
It begins with “To reduce the risk of burns, fire, electric shock, or injury to persons. Before using this product, consider if it is safe for you:”
The following persons should consult a doctor before use:
- Persons with self-contained medical electrical devices such as a pacemaker.
- Persons with malignancy (cancer).
- Persons who have heart trouble. (That’s me)
- Persons who are pregnant or after delivery.
- Women who are pregnant or after delivery.
- Persons who are perpetually disabled by advanced peripheral circulatory disturbance caused by, for instance, diabetes. (Yikes, that’s me too!)
- Persons who have skin wounds or extreme skin sensitivity. (Me again!)
- Persons who need bed rest
- Persons who have a body temperature higher than 30 degrees Celsius or 100.4 degrees Fahrenheit; suffering from acute inflammation, malaise, chill and blood pressure change.
- Persons who have osteoporosis or acute pain, e.g; from spinal fracture, sprain and/or muscle strain. (Okay, so that counts me out too. Not liking my odds at all.)
- Persons who have hernia of the invertebrate disk.
- Persons who have a deformed spine. (That includes scoliosis)
- Persons who are undergoing medical treatment. (Sigh, I’m done)
If none of these apply to you then, congratulations, you are 100% the picture of health. However, what bothers me the most about the list is the fact that you can’t really use the Magic Wand as a massager either considering you usually use these products on sore backs and sprained or strained muscles.
Now, I’m really confused.
But remember, the manufacturer states that if you have any of these conditions to call your doctor first. That’s a conversation that would be interesting!
5. Be Sure Your Homeowners’ or Renters’ Insurance is Paid Up!
Now that I’ve shared some of the physical dangers that the manufacturers of the Magic Wand have warned us about, here are some dangers to your surroundings. This gives whole new meaning to your sex life being on fire!
- This product should never be left unattended while plugged in. In other words, don’t charge it unless you are in the house!
- Do not use this product under a blanket or pillow – excessive heating can occur resulting in fire, electric shock and injury to person. So much for trying to muffle the sounds of the Magic Wand or using a sex pillow to hold the heavy toy.
- Never operate on a soft surface such as a bed or couch where the air openings may become blocked. Ummm, so only use the product on the kitchen counter (away from the sink), entry way floor, garage floor or dresser top, hood of the car or other hard surface. Got it!
In addition to these 3 warnings, the pamphlet also mentions keeping the Magic Wand away from water, making sure you unplug it during a power outage and not to drop it as it could short circuit the next time you’re using it.
The Magic Wand, a Product with a Sense of Humor
Finally, in addition to the frightening warnings and dangers, there are the cautions. Not as scary as the others but there are 13 of them and some of them are hilarious!
With all of the gloom and doom and learning that you just shelled out more than 150 bucks for something that isn’t safe to use under most circumstances, you must have a sense of humor about things. Taken directly from the CAUTIONS:
- Use for no more than 20 minutes at a time. Do not massage one area for more than 3 minutes. After 20 minutes, turn the massager off and allow it to cool before turning it on again. – Cause of adverse result and injury. I call this one EXTREME EDGING.
- Keep long hair away from this product while in use. You should have seen me rubbing the Magic Wand around my hair trying to figure this one out. I am still confused.
- Do not use if any of these conditions apply: Very tired, under the influence of alcohol, suffering from eczema. No post wine, before bed masturbating, folks!
- Do not use an hour before or after eating. Is this a massager, sex toy or a flotation device?
- Never use force or bend or twist the head of the product. I thought the whole reason for the flexible head was to bend it. Again, I am thoroughly confused.
- Never use this product together with, or at the same time, as another massager. I am guessing you must avoid massager envy as well as group sex on bring-your-own-toy-night at all costs?
- Close supervision is necessary when this product is used near children or persons with disabilities. I have no words for this one.
Now, some of you may be thinking, “Ha! Bring it on!” and you may be the type of person that also dives into the pool from a rooftop or gets drunk and swims in areas infested with alligators. And if that’s the case, I say go for it.
Adrenaline junkies need love too!
Plus, I understand that many of you need extremely strong vibrations in order to reach climax. So, if that’s the case, you may thoroughly enjoy the incredible power of the Magic Wand. However, please be sure and read the enclosed brochure carefully and use the product as advised.
But, in my personal opinion, I didn’t like the sensations the Magic Wand gave me and I certainly wasn’t tickled when I read, afterward, that I shouldn’t have been using it at all. That’s my fault for not reading the brochure before using the sex toy.
Fortunately, this is my job. I write about sex and sex toys, I give advice, write honest reviews and I do so with all of you in mind. That way, when shopping for sex toys, you can make an informed decision.
And not blow a nice chunk of change then read 4 pages of dangers, warnings and cautions in the enclosed user’s manual.
I’m not here to deface the good name of a beloved sex toy, I simply shared my opinion and words directly from the manufacturer. However, if you feel the need to blast me, then I can take it! Bring on the rotten tomatoes!