How to Have Rough Sex

Are you wondering about how to start having rough sex? In need for some ideas and tips about how to be more sexually aggressive while staying safe too? I’ve got you covered!

Getting into rough sex can be super arousing and exciting. Tapping into the things that you find appealing about the urgent touches and aggressive passion is an exciting way to explore the depths of your own desire. It’s also a great way to connect with your partner while you explore those depths together! 

But having rough sex is not just a one-size-fits-all kind of thing. There are so many different ways of having rough sex! For some, rough sex could simply be trying out a new daring position where, for others, it could mean intense spanking or choking.

So, let’s go over all the basics and how-to’s together. In this post, I will take you through the following points, so you’ve got all the information you need to begin your journey towards roughing it up in the bedroom!

  1. Long Story Short: A Limited Step-By-Step Guide on How to Have Rough Sex
  2. So… Why Do We Like it Rough?
  3. Approaching Your Partner About Getting Rough
  4. Commmunication & Consent: The Most Important Part of Having Rough Sex
  5. Trying Things Out… Safely!
  6. How to Start Having Rough Sex: Small Beginner Steps & Concrete Suggestions
  7. More Ideas for How to Have Rough Sex
  8. Knowing When and How to Say “No” – Safety Guidelines for Having Rough Sex
  9. Aftercare & Debriefing

Long Story Short: A Limited Step-By-Step Guide on How to Have Rough Sex

1. Approaching your partner about how to have rough sex.

  • Communicate your desires. Talk to your partner about why you want to try out rough sex. What do you find arousing about it? What do you fantasize about? Which dynamics or scenarios excite you? Ask them if they find it exciting. Discuss expectations and try to find common ground.
  • Be specific. Once you’re both on board with trying to explore these fun new dynamics, be specific and clear about what you want to do – and about what you want them to do to you! Don’t leave them to guess what you want. What “rough” means to someone might mean something very different to someone else.

2. Try it out – slow and steady!

  • Experiment with levels of intensity. Once you’ve decided on specifics, you can slowly start to implement some acts or movements into your play time. But take it easy the first time! Whatever you’re doing, start slow and at low intensities. If your feedback is good, you can up the intensity bit by bit until you reach a level that you’re both comfortable with.
  • Keep lines of communication open. While you’re exploring where your sweet spots are in terms of intensity levels, it’s important to keep communicating so you both know if what you’re doing feels good or bad. Verbal confirmation is always a great option but you can also agree to go off of each other’s bodily cues – moans, movements, heavy breathing etc.

3. Ideas for how to have rough sex

  • If you’re in need of concrete ideas of ways to add some roughness to your usual sexual routine, here’s a list of suggestions. If you need to know more about how to safely go about these things when having rough sex, keep reading, and I’ll elaborate later on the post!
    • Spanking
    • Hair-Pulling
    • Choking
    • Slapping
    • Play-Fighting & Sexual Wrestling
    • Psychological Power Play
    • Adding props & sex toys – restraints, blindfolds, spanking paddles etc.
  • Check in with each other. It’s both of your responsibilities to make sure that the other is comfortable and consensual about everything you’re doing. Don’t be afraid to weave in and out of the aggressive energy to check in with each other once in a while.
  • Safeword or Safe Gesture. Just in case something crosses a boundary or one of you simply feel overwhelmed and need to pause things immediately, you should decide on a word or gesture that signals this to your partner. This could be a unique word or the gesture of tapping each other.

5. Aftercare

  • Get comfortable. Maybe your partner needs to wiped clean, maybe they need a warm blanket. You both might need some water, to be held and to cuddle each other. Reconnect with each other.
  • Debrief. A big part of aftercare is also just talking about what you were just doing. Which parts did you like the most and why? Which parts were not working well for you? What did you learn for next time? Will you do it again?

So… Why Do We Like it Rough?

Okay, let’s talk about the elephant in the room. Yes, the idea of rough sex is sometimes shrouded in taboo and stigma. Stereotypes of rough sex being a type of sex that is devoid of mutual respect, true intimacy, and affectionate connection are still very much perpetuated.

Let’s debunk that immediately, shall we? Actually, rough sex can be some of the most affectionate and wholesome sexual exchanges between two (or more) people. Rough sex is, for some, a way to express some of their deepest desires. Being able to share in that with someone you trust and feel attracted to can be very liberating and a true bonding experience!

A lot of the misconceptions arise from the lack of information about how to go about rough sex and sexual aggression in a safe and secure way. Once you have the tools and guidelines to ensure that the rough sex will in fact not inflict any mental or physical injury to your partner, that’s where it reaches higher heights of ecstasy!

We Want to be Wanted!

Because having a thing for rough sex is really not that uncommon! A lot of people actually find that sexual aggression can hit all sorts of sweet spots for them.

The key is just to understand that the definition of rough sex varies from person to person. Studies show that some people understand “rough sex” as involving merely spanking and hair-pulling. Others conceptualize “rough sex” as more intense practices like choking, punching, slapping, or the idea of “forced intercourse”.

No matter how intense you prefer your rough sex to be, a common thread in all the different levels boils down to desire. A lot of this strong arousal from these extreme sexual behaviours comes down to the need to be desired on a very basic and primal level. To be an object of uncontrollable and urgent lust simply plays into that need. Makes perfect sense, if you ask me!

Approaching Your Partner About Having Rough Sex

Here are some preliminary fundamentals for having an ideal experience with rough partnered sex. Partner up with a special someone. Make sure they are:

  • Someone you trust
  • Someone you feel comfortable with
  • Some you feel attracted to

When you’re sure that your chosen sex partner is in fact the best choice, you’re ready to start an open conversation.

Bring it up in a way (and in a setting) that is comfortable for both of you. Invite openness into the conversation and dismiss any shame or embarrassment. Sometimes it helps to be playful or even romantic about it.

Figure out what kind of roughness you’re into first. Are you into more physical roughness, into the psychological aspect, into humilitation play, or punishment? Once you know, you will be better able to share these desires with your partner by telling them how it would make you feel if that did this or that to you.

If your partner seems skeptical or worried, remind them of how rough sex acts exist in a sort of continuum. Everything than can take place, can happen at many different levels of intensity – both on a mental scale and a physical one.

When you’ve breached the topic of how to have rough sex with each other, it’s important to communicate clearly and consensually.

When you talk about your desires, make it a point to also talk about your personal boundaries and limits related to those desires. Then discuss your expectations about how to respect those boundaries.

Also, be prepared for an open two-way sexual conversation. You might not be the only one who has a desire to rough things up a bit!

Make a Dos and Don'ts list so your partner can understand your specific boundaries.

One last tip: Be specific!

Since there are os many different understandings of what “rough” can mean, you don’t want your partner to misunderstand your desires.

You can even each make a list with personal specific Dos and Don’ts for your partner to better understand your boundaries.

Trying Things Out… Safely!

A gradual increase of intensity with a spanking paddle.

Slow and Steady!

If you’ve already got some specifics in mind that you’re eager to try out, go for it! But start out slow…

Start with low intensity and then slowly work your way up while keeping open lines of communication about which intensities work best for you. 

Beducated Dirty Talk course could be useful to use for rough sex.
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Use your words!

Being able to use your words during sex is great for keeping the lines of communication open so you both can check in with each other throughout the session.

Dirty talk is a great way of doing this. An exciting way to express high or low arousal and to provide feedback that doesn’t affect the mood!

Extreme dirty talk can also really enhance the roughness of your sexual activities. Adding to that mental aspect of urgency and lust.

An image of things you might want to have prepped and ready before rough sex - lube & props.

Practical Preparation for Having Rough Sex

Extra hard and rough sex will most likely require extra lubrication. It’s just plain physics, right? Be sure to keep applying lube as needed to make sure everyone is feeling comfortable.

If you’re planning on introducing some gear or props to your rough sex at some point in your session, it’s a good idea to have those clean, ready, and nearby, so you can avoid too many interuptions.

How to Start Having Rough Sex: Small Beginner Steps & Concrete Suggestions

Even though there is so much personal interpretation involved with having rougher sex, I don’t want to be too vague in this blog post. If you don’t know where to start, it’s difficult to know exactly how to have rough sex. Here’s some actual inspiration for concrete practices to engage in during your spicy sessions!

Beducated erotic spanking
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Spanking is a great place to start because you don’t need any extra equipment for it (and yet there are so many options available out there if you ever want it!). You can also check out how to make your own spanking paddle here!

It provides impact, there’s an intensity system you can customize, there’s both a physical and mental aspect to delve into, and it’s easy to check in about comfort in between spanks!

Someone pulling a person's ponytail. About hair-pulling as a part of rough sex


A great way to create some intense sensation, while mildly restraining your partner’s movements, or simply expressing some powerful dominance. Caress and shock your partners sensitive nerve-endings by their scalp by lightly running your fingers through their hair by the roots, and grab a fistful of their hair close to the back of their neck!

Use this grip to lead your partner’s movements. Hold them down during oral or hold them up during penetration from behind. Be sure not to yank harshly (as this may cause damage to the neck) but firm pressure and slight tugging might just be that sweet spot!

Beducated's course on Choking
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Sometimes just the suggestion or illusion of choking can create strong arousal. But if you’re looking for more physical stimulation and want go harder, you should always avoid putting any pressure on the center of the throat to avoid damaging the esophagus. To create that restriction in blood flow (and slightly euforic feeling), press slowly in around the sides of the neck with your fingers.

Check in with your partner (and use your non-verbal safety cues) as to how long they feel comfortable in that state. Never use your body weight to add pressure to the whole neck and don’t hold a tight grip for more than about 10 seconds.

More Ideas for How to Have Rough Sex

Here are some more suggestions for some rougher sex activities plus some general tips on how to approach having rough sex to enhance the sensations and arousals.

Examples of things to do to build-up arousal with your partner. Sexting, light spanks, or whispering in their ear.

Build-Up & Intuition

Build up your desire throughout the day. Go about your day and tease each other with your words (over text or whispered in their ear), or few playful spanks or slaps. Edge each other with arousal before you even begin to rough it up! More build-up will allow for a more animalistic and urgent release later.

When you do begin touching each other and trying to rough each other around, do what feels natural and – based on what you’ve discussed about boundaries and safety – start being a bit more reckless and daring with how you touch each other…

how to maker her cum with a squirting orgasm
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Let the Roughness Open New Doors of Pleasure

Let the urgency flow into all of your movements. If you do enjoy the physical roughness, go for deeper and stronger thrusts, firmer grips, and harder kisses.

Adding some power to the way you touch your partner sexually, can open new doors for you. Perhaps you’ll learn new things about how your partner’s body responds to firm stimulation.

For example, with the right techniques, using a firm touch to massage the g-spot while fingering a vulva-owning partner can provoke squirting orgasms.

Beducated's course on Playfighting
Learn more about the basics of Playfighting with this course on Beducated.

Playfighting & Sexual Wrestling

Sometimes changing positions and pausing to find the right angles for penetration in the heat of moment can feel a little awkward. Use these pauses as an opportunity to try to rough it up!

Make your movements and position changing a way of trying to dominate each other and physically overpower your partner. Play around with resisting each other’s attempt to “mount” the other. Who can get out on top? Introducing practices like playfighting and sexual wrestling can be a fun and safe way to engage in some very physical and primal power play!

Examples of props and sex toys to use during rough sex. Anal toys, impact toys, and vibrators.
If need some inspiration, here’s a full list of the best BDMS toys out there.

Add Props & Sex Toys

Sexual props, restraint devices, and new sex toys can really help you on your journey to having more rough sex. Limit their senses with a soft blindfold. Tie them up by their wrists or ankles with handcuffs, bondage tape, or bondage rope. Put them on a BDSM collar and leash and tug them in any direction you want!

If you’re into some impactful punishment, you can add a spanking paddle or a BDSM whip to your play. You can also explore some regular sex toys that add some extreme sensations to your rough play. Perhaps an anal toy for some double penetration fun or an intense vibrator for some orgasm denial or edging while your partner is restrained.

Knowing When and How to Say “No” – How to Have Safe Rough Sex

As excited as rough sex can be, there’s also something risky about getting caught up in the moment without being aware of you or your partner’s safety and comfort.

This is why communication before, during, and after having any kind of rough sex is so important!

No matter how intense things get or how excited your partner is about something you’re doing, you should never be afraid to say “no”, “stop”, or just take a break. You should always prioritize each other’s comfort and safety and respect when someone sets a boundary.


Sometimes actually saying “stop” or “no” can feel a bit overwhelming in a sexual context – especially when you don’t necessarily want to discourage your partner. And sometimes, using those words and that tone of communication may also be part of your rough play.

Having a unique safeword to use during rough sex can signal to your partner that you need to stop whatever you’re doing immediately. To release physical pressure, to remove potential restraints, to get out of character of that rough dynamic. If one of you ever feel overwhelmed at any point, a safeword can be an easy way to pause the act and talk about what happened.

Check out our blog post with different safeword ideas if you’re in the need for some inspiration!

If you’re in situations where you can speak or use your mouth to utter this safeword, it’s also a godo idea to agree on some safety gestures that signal the same thing to your partner. This could be tapping repeatedly somewhere on your partner’s body, blinking repeatedly, squeezing their hand, or dropping something loud on the floor (like keys!).

Common sense will go a long way…

So, one last safety tip I have for you is to basically just use your common sense when you’re wondering how to have rough sex.

Be respectful and cautious. Think about how the sensations you’re inflicting on your partner would feel on yourself.

Also, before even engaging in any rough play, consider whether or not you’re in the right shape for it. Rough sex can be hard on your body and your mind.

Maybe it’s not a good idea to engage in too intense rough sex if you’re recovering from an injury, surgery or when pregnant. Or if you’re in a fragile mental state and may feel triggered by some specific acts or relational dynamics. Take care of yourself!

Aftercare & Debriefing

After you’re done having fun with being rough with each other, you’re actually not quite done with making each other feel good.

Aftercare is a super important part of any kind of sexual play that may have involved a different dynamic than you’re used to in your regular sexual interactions. It makes sense that you’d want to reconnect intimately and emotionally after being rough and potentially degrading, forceful, or inflicting pain.

The main objective is make sure you’re both feeling comfortable after the deed is done. Here are some ways you can provide aftercare for your partner after having rough sex.

Things for aftercare - water, warm tea, or a warm blanket.
Perhaps you both need some water to hydrate or warm tea to relax. Make sure you have a comfy place to wind down. If you’ve been tied up or restrained, you might be cold and need a blanket available.
Aftercare can also look like cuddling, resting, and having eye-contact.
Ending your rough sex with soft and affectionate physical touch, like cuddling, can really help make the roughness of it all feel extra safe and comfortable. Some might also need some deep eye contact to fully reconnect.
Aftercare is also about creating a safe space for debriefing after rough sex.
Debrief and discuss what worked really well for each of you or what didn’t. Sometimes this is also where the more active or dominant person may need some verbal reassurance to get back to safe normalcy afterwards.