Kinky sex is gaining popularity and becoming more mainstream, but what really is kinky sex, what benefits does it have, and how can you start exploring it? I’ll answer all that and more in this complete guide to getting kinky. Plus I’ll share 15 ideas to help you bring out your inner kinkster. We’ll also look at how to talk to your partner about trying something new, and some essential kink safety!
What is Kinky Sex?
There isn’t one definition of kinky sex and everyone will have a different interpretation. Broadly speaking, kinky sex is any sexual activity that falls outside of what we consider ‘typical sex.’ Of course, that’s a hugely subjective term, and we have to remember that it is also largely based on heterosexual standards, so you have to take that definition with a pinch of salt!
What is considered kinky sex and what is considered vanilla sex?
Vanilla sex refers to these more typical sexual activities that are widely accepted in society, such as penetrative sex or oral sex.
Kinky sex on the other hand, involves a greater range of activities and incorporates less traditional forms of play. Some common types of kinky sex include BDSM, fetishes, sex with multiple partners, or role play.
What you personally define as vanilla or kinky will not necessarily be the same as the next person. Plus, you don’t have to enjoy all types of kink to get involved. The beauty of kink is that you make it your own! Choose the bits that excite and you leave the bits that don’t!
One person’s kink is another person’s vanilla and vice versa.
How to Have Kinky Sex
Given kinky sex is such a broad category, it’s impossible to cover it all in a single blog post — it would require a never ending kinky compendium! That being said, there are plenty of beginner-friendly kinky activities. Today we’ll look at 15 ideas to get your started on your kinky quest! I’ll also throw in some kinky sex positions for luck!
1. Bondage
Bondage involves elements of power play — one person is bound and at the mercy of their partner. It can range from a more beginner friendly set of handcuffs up to the more advanced techniques of Shibari.
Many people find the vulnerability of being tied up very freeing as you relinquish control — something we try so hard to maintain in our everyday lives!
Here are some bondage techniques to try
- Restraints like spreader bars and thigh slings provide restraint while also holding your body open for your partner to play with
- Bondage ropes and tape offer a lot of versatility and you can use them to tie your partner to a chair.
- Bed restraints allow you to secure your partner to the bed while you play.
2. Sensory Deprivation with a Blindfold
Removing someone’s sense of sight can be really exhilarating. Without it, you can’t tell what your partner is about to do or when and that anticipation translates into sexual excitement! It can allow you to focus on the sensations you are feeling, amplifying each touch.
Try wearing a blindfold during foreplay to see how it affects your other senses.
3. Temperature Play
Temperature play involves using hot and cold temperatures to ignite the senses. It also creates a feeling of anticipation and slight sense of danger that many of us find arousing. Whether you are dripping hot wax on your lovers skin or alternative between a cooled sex toy and your warm mouth, temperature play can really get the temperature soaring!
- Glass and metal dildos can be heated or cooled in warm or cold water
- Massage candles are great for a hot and sensual massage
- Pop your lube in the fridge or warm the bottle in warm water
4. Impact Play
Impact play involves using either your hand or impact play tools, such as whips and floggers or spanking toys to hit the body. As well as the psychological component of submission, impact play encourages blood flow to the skin, making the area more sensitive to touch. Start out with light impact and stick to fleshy areas like the butt and thighs.
Want to know more, we’ve got a whole post on impact play for beginners!
5. Sensation Play
Exploring different sensations can put your senses into a state of high alert and high arousal! Sensations that we would usually dislike, such as scratching or tickling, can feel intensely pleasurable in the context of sex.
Sensation play tools allow you to create a broad range of sensations. I recommend switching between softer sensations, like a feather tickler and something harder, like a pinwheel, to really enhance the effect!
6. Power Play — Dominance and Submission
Taking on either a dominant or submissive role allows you to explore a new side of yourself. Some people naturally tend towards being dominant, some towards being submissive, and some are switches, meaning they switch between the two.
You can practice being dominant by telling your partner exactly what you want them to do. Stick to simple commands and if they don’t obey you, be sure to give them a suitable punishment!
7. Discreet Public Play
Kinky sex isn’t only for the bedroom! If you love the thrill of knowing you could get caught, discreet public play is a great way to get your kicks! Remote control vibrators and butt plugs are a great naughty addition to a date night. Simply slip the toy in before you head out and hand the remote over to your partner.
Controlling the toy is even easier if it is app enabled — no one will ever guess that your partner is in fact controlling your pleasure and not scrolling on Instagram! It’s just up to you to bring your best poker face!
8. Role Play a Fantasy
Sharing your fantasies with a partner can be intimidating at first, but it can be a really great way to keep things exciting and keep the spark alive! If you aren’t ready to say it loud, you can try writing each other an erotic story about a fantasy you would like to explore.
Role play can feel a little awkward at first, but once you get into the swing of things, it can be incredibly hot! Adding in some props or a costume can help you get into character! Plus taking on a new character can help you get in touch with your kinkier side!
9. Mix Pain and Pleasure
Pain play is mainstay of kinky sex! While pain and pleasure might seem like complete opposites, when combined they can be intoxicating! There are many ways to incorporate the two from nipple clamps and pussy clamps, to electro shock toys. Be sure to add in some pleasurable licking, kissing, and teasing to keep it sweet and spicy!
10. Put on a Sexy Show
This is perfect for couples that consist of a natural exhibitionist and a voyeur! Unleash your inner exhibitionist, and put on a sexy show for your partner. You could give them a strip tease, a lap dance, or let them watch while you touch yourself.
Alternatively, you can both play exhibitionist and voyeur by watching yourselves have sex in front of a mirror. Seeing your bodies together and watching how hot and bothered you make each other can give you a whole new view on your sex life.
11. Switch Roles
If one of you usually does the penetrating or one partner is naturally more dominant, switch roles for a change! Role reversal allows you to feel what it’s like t o be on the other side and play with power dynamics. Using a strap-on allows a partner with vulva to have the experience of penetrate their partner.
12. Explore group sex
Introducing another person into your sex life can bring fresh excitement and allow you to live out any group sex fantasies, like double penetration or having two sets of hands and two mouths lavishing you with attention! Having a threesome (or more) requires a bit of preparation in terms of finding the right person and making sure everyone is on the same page.
If you aren’t ready to invite another person into your bedroom, you can live out your fantasy using sex toys! Realistic sex dolls, sex doll torsos, or even realistic dildos are all great for simulating group sex!
13. Treat Yourself to a Kinky Outfit
Looking the part can really help you find your kinky character and go deeper into your kinky sex experience. Kinky lingerie comes in a wide range of designs and materials, from leather harnesses to lace under wear and latex catsuits. Other’s have built in restraints for some added bondage fun! Find an outfit that appeals to you, slip it on, and see who you become!
14. Get some BDSM Furniture
If you are looking to give your bedroom a kinky upgrade, consider buying some sex furniture. Having some specialised furniture can really set the scene for some steamy sex and help you explore some kinky sex positions.
If you are on a budget, look for a sex pillow, but if you’ve for a bit more cash (and space) why not indulge in a sex chair or a spanking bench!
15. Experiment with Edging and Orgasm Denial
Orgasm is usually the main goal of sex and for many people, the end of the fun, but not letting your partner orgasm and drawing out their pleasure can be a teasingly good torture technique!
Edging involves taking your partner right to the edge of an orgasm and stopping before they reach the point of no return. Then you let their arousal drop a little, before working them up all over again! When they’ve had enough torture, you can go all the way and give the climax they so desperately want.
Benefits of Kinky Sex
Sex in general has has a wealth of physical and psychological benefits including improved mood, reduced stress, and better sleep. Not to mention, it feels pretty damn good in the moment! On top of that, kinky sex has some added bonuses for you and your partner(s)!
- Broadening your sexual horizons and incorporating different kinds of activities means you are less likely to get bored with the same old sexual routines.
- You get a deeper understanding of what brings you pleasure and your boundaries.
- You improve your communication about sex.
- Your sexual confidence can get a boost.
- It can increase trust, intimacy, and connection in a relationship.
- Kink can be a great stress buster!
- Kinky sex often involves a lot more of the senses than regular sex, giving you a whole lot more stimulation.
How to Talk to Your Partner About Kinky Sex
Bringing up wanting to try kinky sex with your partner can be a little intimidating at first, but learning how to talk about sex can strengthen your relationship and help you create a sex life you really love! Here are my top tips for talking to your partner about trying something a little more kinky.
Top Tips for Talking About Kinky Sex
- Pick a time when you are both feeling relaxed and connected.
- Reassure them that you already enjoy having sex with them.
- Frame it as something you want to explore together to bring you closer and have even better sex.
- You can suggest some activities you would like to try and ask your partner if there’s anything they would want to try.
- Give them time to think about what you have said, and respect their decision if they say no to certain things.
- As well as talking about the things you want to try, make time to talk about your boundaries and limits.
- You can try making a yes, no, maybe list of things you want to try, things you might try, and things that are no-gos and then compare lists to find common ground.
- Be honest, compassionate, and open minded when talking about kink. Don’t be judgmental of your partners kinks as this will make them feel ashamed and less likely to open up to you.
Kinky Sex Safety
Kinky sex should be both satisfying and safe! Researching your chosen kink sexual activity is an essential part of being part of the kink world! Before diving straight in, you research how to practice your chosen kink safely. You should also learn about any risks involved, how to minimize the risks, and what to do if something does go wrong. The kink community uses the a number of abbreviations to help keep things safe and consensual…
On top of that, here are some general guidelines to follow to keep you and your play partners safe…
- Discuss your boundaries beforehand. You can talk about your hard boundaries — things that are an absolute no-go and soft boundaries — things you might try at the right time. Also, remember that this should be an ongoing conversation as boundaries tend to change over time.
- Agree on a safe word or safe signal to use during play. Stuck for ideas? I made a whole post about choosing an effective safe word!
- Keep any necessary safety equipment close by. A first aid kit and some safety shears for cutting restraints are must haves, but you might also need some more specific items, like a burns kit or fire extinguisher for certain activities.
- Always start slowly and gradually build intensity, making sure to check in with your play partner(s) as you go.