There are plenty of small but effective turn-ons for women, from romantic gestures to making friends with their favorite vibrator. Knowing how to get them just right is a skill you’ll really want to master!
Understanding which things turn women on can be the difference between getting them hot and bothered and just plain bothered! Of course, every woman is different and turn-ons are context and partner dependent.
That being said, there are some pretty universal turn-ons that will give you good chance of wooing your woman!
In this post I’ll cover:
- Turn-ons for women outside of the bedroom — lay the foundations of arousal
- Turn-ons for women during sex — get the flames of arousal burning
Turn-ons for women outside of the bedroom
Foreplay should start long before sex is even on the horizon. It should be weaved into your everyday life to create more intense intimacy, connection, and arousal.
Building arousal is much like building a fire, you need to add the kindling and get those small sparks flying before you can really get the flames of arousal burning! Coincidently, building a fire is also one of my more unusual turn-ons!
For most women, there are some precursors to arousal that need to be satisfied before they get in the mood. They might seem pretty basic, but you’d be surprised how often these simple things are lacking and just how important they are for arousal.
- Safety — Make sure they feel physically and emotionally safe with you by respecting their boundaries.
- Trust — Show they can trust you by making sure your actions match your words and intentions.
- Respect — Show you respect them and their ideas and opinions.
- Feeling valued — Actively show you value their presence.
- Connection — Make bids for emotional and physical connection and be sure to respond to theirs.
- Feeling relaxed — Create a relaxing environment and help them work through any stress.
Most importantly…
I cannot stress this enough, pay attention to them, read their body language, and see how they react to you. Being able to read the room is important when it comes to turning women on. It shows you are paying attention and are interested in what they want rather than just steaming ahead with whatever moves or techniques you want to use!
1. Be a great communicator
Mastering the art of communication helps you to build trust and intimacy in the relationship. Great communication involves both sharing and listening!
Try to be open, empathetic and consistent in your communication to help your partner feel comfortable.
- Show an interest in their life and hobbies
- Check in with them in the morning and before bed
- Ask follow-up questions when they tell you something
2. Master the art of kissing
A good kiss can really make the sparks fly, while a bad one really put the fire out!
- Have good oral hygiene
- Don’t be too forceful or over do it on the tongue action
- Vary the tempo and the pressure
- Pay attention to what they are doing and how they react and adjust accordingly
- Don’t underestimate the power of sweet kiss on the forehead, neck or behind the ear
- Have a passionate make out sesh that isn’t just a precursor to sex
3. Give genuine compliments
Compliments are great but only when you genuinely mean them! Think about your favorite things about her and then let her know what they are. Complimenting the small things that you love about them shows you are paying attention.
Here are some things to compliment them on:
- The unique way they do something
- A personality trait you admire
- Their skills, talents, or creativity
- How they interact with other people
- A small thing they do that puts a smile on their face
- How they look, their style, or how they smell
4. Show you respect her boundaries
Showing your partner that you respect their boundaries and understand what true consent means outside of the bedroom is going to show that they can trust you. This will help them to feel safe and comfortable around you, which is a precursor for being turned-on!
- Be willing to share boundaries with each other, they could be physical, emotional, or to do with different areas of your lives
- Don’t try to convince them to do anything they don’t want to do
- Respect their time and space
- Practice consent outside of the bedroom, especially if you are in the early stages of dating and don’t know each other’s cues and boundaries so well
5. Have a sense of humor and don’t take yourself too seriously
Making us laugh is incredibly sexy! It’s much easier to get turned on when you are having fun and in a good mood.
It’s also super important to know that you can laugh at yourself and not take yourself too seriously.
Being able to make us chuckle is a big turn-on but this is definitely one to work on outside of the bedroom — we aren’t looking for man in the streets and a clown in the sheets!
A little light teasing and play fighting can also show your playful side!
6. Make them feel desired
Almost everyone loves feeling desired, especially by the person they are interested in. Rather than hoping they will guess how into them you are, as it’s not always as clear as you think it is, make it obvious!
When women feel desired, it helps them trust your feelings for them and gives them a confidence boost, which all feeds into being turned on!
- Send them a message to let them know you are thinking about them
- Write them a little note when you leave
- Send flowers or small gift
- Tell her how much you like her
7. Develop your emotional connection
Feeling emotionally connected to your partner helps create intimacy and trust.
- Be willing to talk about your emotions
- Show you can be vulnerable
- Be curious about their emotions
- Ask what kind of support they need when dealing with difficult emotions
- Don’t always try to fix things. Listen and only offer suggestions or solutions to a problem when asked.
8. Give thoughtful touches throughout the day
Flirty touches throughout the day are another great way to show your partner you desire them and give them small sparks of arousal that can slowly build the sexual tension!
- Stroke their hair or tuck it behind their ear
- Rest your hand on their lower back
- Stroke their leg
- Give them an unexpected hug from behind
- Pull them in closer to you
9. Send a sexy message or practice a little dirty talk
First and foremost, read the room and only do this if you think it’s appropriate and will be well received!
Break out the cunning linguist in you and spark her imagination with some well worded dirty talk! This will plant the seeds of arousal and have her thinking about what’s in store for her later!
- Start out with something subtle and suggestive to test the waters. Don’t dive straight in with the dirtiest thing you can think of as you might scare them off
- Whisper in her ear how hot she looks and how much you want her right now
- Send her a sexy message telling her you can’t stop thinking about what you did last night and how you can’t wait to do it again
10. Be kind
Kindness not only tugs at our heart our — it tugs at our g-strings too!
Showing your soft side can be a real turn-on for a lot of women as it shows you are willing to be kind even when you don’t stand to gain anything from it!
And I don’t only mean being kind to her, that should be a given.
Be kind to strangers, wait staff, her friends, and, of course, animals!
11. Show you can take care of yourself and contribute to the relationship
There’s nothing unsexier than a partner that acts like a child. Having to take care of them and be the one to put all the effort into the relationship or do or the household chores is a huge libido killer.
This also includes having to do all of the mental work like organising or keeping track of dates, events, etc.
- Do your share of the work without needing to be asked or instructed
- Take care of some of the organisational tasks
- Keep your space clean, tidy, and comfortable
- Offer to cook for her
12. Use eye contact
When done right, eye contact create an electrifying feeling without ever touching them!
- Catch their eye in across a crowded room and give them a flirty smile
- Hold their gaze just that little bit longer so they know for sure what your are getting at
- Lower your head slightly and look up at them
- Don’t stare directly at them or hold eye contact for too long — we’re going for flirty or fearsome
- If you want to give a hint that you want to kiss them, let your eyes rest on their lips for a couple of seconds
13. Get sensual with smells
Our sense of smell is so is related to attraction and emotions, and getting a whiff of your partner’s signature smell can be a real turn-on.
While the jury is still out on whether we detect pheromones and the efficacy of pheromone perfumes, many people are attracted to their partner’s natural smell.
That being said, don’t give up showering, you still want to smell fresh!
- Keep yourself clean and fresh
- Have a signature scent that they associate with you — musky, citrus or spicy scents are popular
- Don’t wear anything too overpowering or dowse yourself in aftershave
- Make sure your home smells good with some candles or essential oils
Turn-ons for Women during sex
So you’ve mastered the basics, and it’s time to take things to bedroom and now there are some different things to think about when it comes to arousal.
Again, I have to stress that every woman is different and the only way to know if they are liking what you’re putting out is by asking and reading their reactions. If they aren’t into it, don’t keep going!
14. Get consent
While getting consent might not sound like the sexiest of all the turn-ons for women, it shows you really care and want them to feel safe.
Creating this strong foundation will also help you both feel safe to get more adventurous in the bedroom!
And no, you don’t have to sign a written agreement (unless you really want to). You can get consent and be sexy at the same time!
- I really want to taste you, can I go down on you?
- I love your ass, it looks so hot right now. Am I allowed to spank it?
15. Prepare your space and set the scene
It’s so much easier to get aroused when you are in a sexy space!
As a bare minimum, your room should be clean and tidy. Mess and clutter is a definite turn off!
If you really want to help her get in the mood, put in a little extra effort to make a sensual space that’s stocked up with some sexy essentials:
- A good water-based lube, like Sliquid H2O, which is condom and silicone sex toy compatible
- Light a massage candle for some sexy scents and mood lighting, then you can use the melted wax for a sexy massage
- A sex blanket, like the Liberator Fascinator, so they don’t have to worry if things get a little wet
16. Go for a slow tease
It can be tempting to rush ahead and get right down to the part you are looking forward to, but most vulva owners need a more time to become aroused and have enjoyable sex.
Plus, if you do it properly and she’s into it, she’ll be begging you to get on with it — a sure fire sign she is turned on!
Take your time to tease each other and vary between hot and passionate and slow and sensual.
Explore her whole body, gradually working closer to her vulva until she is absolutely desperate for it.
17. Learn their individual sexual turn-ons and turn-offs
The Dual Control Model, which was developed by Dr. Erick Janssen and Dr. John Bancroft, describes two opposing forces that impact our sexual desire — one that excites it and one that inhibits it.
The things that excite us are likened to a gas pedal, they get our engines revving! These turn-ons differ from person to person, so the best way to find out is get curious about your own and your partner’s so you can share them with each other.
The things that turn us off function like brakes, slowing down our sexual desire or even halting it completely. Knowing which things turn our partner’s off or get them out of the zone is just as important as knowing what turns them on!
18. Keep things exciting
Sure it’s great to know your go-to moves — those Mortal Kombat ‘finish her’ techniques that never fail, but sexual novelty is very arousing.
Not to mention it’s crucial for keeping the spark alive in long-term relationships.
One way to plan new activities to explore is for each person to create a yes, no, maybe list of sexual activities. You can then see which overlaps you have on your yes and maybe lists to see what new things you would be interested in trying together!
These posts are packed full of inspirations to kick start your lists:
My top products for trying something new…
A Remote Controlled Vibrator
The Lovense Lush 3 is an app-controlled vibrator that delivers powerful internal stimulation. Control it using your phone from anywhere in the world!
Under Bed Restraints
Plan a night of bed-based bondage with the Sportsheets Under Bed Restraint System. It’s quick and easy to set up and it’s beginner-friendly!
A Pinwheel
Explore some sensation play with the Fifty Shades Darker Adrenaline Spikes Pinwheel. The spiky, tickling sensation is perfect for teasing those sensitive sweet spots!
19. Plan a sexy date night
Taking some initiative and planning a sexy date night can be a big turn-on as it shows you are willing to put some effort into making your partner feel special!
It could be a romantic meal with finger food at home or a sexy night away together. It doesn’t matter how big or small it is, just make sure to set the scene for romance!
20. Take a tour of their erogenous zones
Give her new or unexpected pleasure by paying attention to the lesser visited erogenous zones.
Pleasure mapping is a great way to find out which sensitive sweet spots make them melt every time!
Here’s some different ways to touch your partner
- Massage the larger muscles like the buttocks or back and legs
- Kiss, lick or nibble their neck, ears, lips and inner thighs
- Try light tickling strokes up their arm
- Lightly scratch their back
21. Show enthusiasm for their pleasure and don’t rush them to have an orgasm
Many women get self-conscious about taking too long to climax, meaning they can’t fully relax and immerse themselves in the pleasure.
Having a partner that shows they are enthusiastic about your pleasure and are happy to be there for as long as it takes is extremely hot.
Plus, being able to relax and fully enjoy ourselves can actually help us orgasm more quickly.
Tell them
- How much you love pleasing them
- How hot they look when they are turned on
- That you love how they taste or feel
- Compliment specific parts of their body
If you are up to the task and they are into it, letting a partner know you want to give them multiple orgasms really shows your dedication to the cause!
22. Seduce them with sexy sounds
Another way to appeal their senses is through the sounds you make. Moans of pleasure, heavy breathing in their ear, or even maybe some more primal growls of pleasure all let them know just how into it and them you are!
Another way to introduce sounds into the bedroom is with a sexy playlist with songs that get you both in the mood!
23. Give them a sexy massage
It’s really no secret that a sexy massage is one of the most popular turn-ons for women. However, learning how to give a really great sexy massage will take their arousal to a whole new level!
The sensual touch and warmth of your hands on their body, the smell of massage oil or a massage candle, the sound of relaxing music in the background — it’s the perfect combo of blissful and arousing.
Getting the senses fired up also intensifies our experience by turning the volume up on our perception, making everything that comes after feel so much more pleasurable!
24. Educate yourself on female anatomy
They say the way to a woman’s heart is through her clit… well I say that, at least.
There’s something incredibly sexy about a man who’s educated themselves on the female anatomy so we don’t have to do it. If you are having sex with vulva owners, there’s no excuse for not being cliterate!
And simply knowing the clit and the g-spot exist isn’t enough! There’s a lot more to discover about these pleasure hot spots — for one they are part of the same structure.
Learn more in this complete guide to the clitoris or figure out how to find, and please, the g-spot.
25. Give them mind-melting oral sex
If you really want to get your partner hot and heavy, master the art of cunnilingus and learn exactly how they like it because no two vulvas are the same!
Get some expert tips on the best ways to eat pussy or take a course to level up your skills and deliver mind blowing pleasure!
26. Form an alliance with their favorite sex toys
A partner that’s willing to team up with your favorite vibrator is a big turn-on for women, especially if they usually climax using a sex toy.
It also shows that you are comfortable enough in yourself that you aren’t threatened by a vibrator and you prioritise her pleasure!
If you aren’t sure what to do or what feels best, feel free to ask. If anything, they’ll be impressed that you care enough to want to get it just right for them!
Magic wand vibrators or couple’s vibrators are both great options for giving your partner an extra boost of pleasure!
27. Be willing to learn and try new techniques
Get your partner in the mood by telling them there’s a new technique you’ve been learning about and want to try with them.
Just the fact that you’ve put time and effort into learning a new way to pleasure them can be a big turn.
Pair that with the excitement that comes with trying something new and you’ve got a perfect cocktail for arousal!
Just remember to take it slowly and don’t pressure your partner into trying something they aren’t into!
28. Get to know their kinks
You should never try any kinky sex moves without first discussing what your partner’s kinks are and establishing boundaries.
Kinky turn-ons for women are highly personal and need more care when it comes to trying them out. Things like pinning their hands to the bed can be a big turn-on for some women while it’s a big no-go for others.
Getting comfortable talking about your kinks opens up a whole new world of turn-on territory to explore.
If you are struggling to start the conversation, why not try working it into some sexting. Ask them what kinky thing they’d like you to do for them and be prepared to share yours as well!
29. Don’t skip the aftercare
While you might be tempted to roll over and go to sleep, spending a few minutes connecting and engaging in aftercare can be a big turn-on for women that will help them get in the mood more often
You can think of it like laying the foundations for building arousal all over again!
Here are some aftecare ideas:
- Cuddling
- Reflecting on the sex you just had
- Having a warm drink or a snack
- Taking a shower together